Let's spin again, please

Yes, you guessed it. It's medication roulette time again. And today was special. Not only because we're adding yet another med to my regimen but because it's one we had previously thought I failed. After looking back through the record my fabulous shrinky dink determined that the symptoms made much more sense coming from a different medication that we know for a fact caused other reactions.
So... we're trying Lamictal (lamotrigine) again.
I'm good with this. I have high hopes that it will bring me up and out of this damned depression. Especially since she then proceeded to look at me and inform me that she has no plan B.
~deep breath~
We're pretty much looking at ECT (shock therapy) if this med doesn't work.
Now, at the end of the appointment she mentioned another atypical antipsychotic that we might potentially consider but it's not for sure. I have a feeling that we're looking at ECT. She also mentioned TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) but medicaid doesn't pay for it so that's out. Plus, I may not be a candidate given my pacemaker anyway.

So that's where we're at as of today.

I hope your day was well!

Light, gone

Last time I updated you I mentioned being put on Ritalin to try to boost me out of this ridiculous depression that has had me locked in for oh so long.

Well, as of a few days ago, despite it doing what now seems like wonders, I am off of it.

I had a seemingly small but incredibly annoying and worsening reaction to it.

My legs were shaking. And it worsened to the point that they shook so bad, even when standing, that I constantly trembled. It was a rare occasion that I was able to find a position that they could relax and be still.

I was advised by a nurse, after having missed 2 days worth of doses due to a clerical error, to go ahead and stop it because of the reaction.

Since then I have noticed just how much it really was helping.

Since stopping I have been sleeping later, wanting to retreat from life more again and I find that my mind is not as clear as it had been. While I realized at the time that I was able to get up easier and had a little more energy I didn't fully realize the positive impact it truly had. And now that I'm off of it I miss it. While the shaking still has not resolved, it is improving which I'm thankful for.

So that's where I'm at most recently with my medication challenges.

Hoping you're all well-

Goin' off the rails...

It's been so long since I've written and yet I have so little to say...
I know, I know. Me? Have "little to say"? Shocking!
But it seems to be true. There is so much to discuss and yet I find myself lacking the power of conversation. Let's see if I can run through an update for you...

As a few of you may know, my partner of the last 6 1/2 years and I have recently decided to separate. It was a painful decision but one made in the best interest of the kids and with each other in mind. It was, by no means, an easy conclusion to come to but we feel that it will improve the situation for all involved. And while we are all going through a major adjustment period, to say the least, there has been some relief and that's something to be thankful for.

Amidst this heart wrenching decision has been my seemingly unending battle with bipolar depression. I have struggled significantly with medication failure after medication failure. As a matter of fact, within the last month I was put on Ritalin, in addition to my 4 other meds, in the hopes that it would boost my body enough to give my mind a chance to follow suit. So far it has made a small difference. One that I'm grateful for.

My disability appeal is now a little closer to conclusion. My doctor was finally able to finish her "medical rebuttal" to the various falsities and inconsistencies in the judge's decision. That was the final piece needed to submit it all. Now we wait...

There are so many more details that are begging to be divulged but my debilitated brain is adamant in its dissent. At least presently...

Please remember, you're always more than welcome to contact me with any questions, comments, or additions to my ramblings. Leave a comment here, contact me via facebook , or drop me a text or call.

Hoping you're all well

I'd like to spin the wheel please

That's right folks, it's medication roulette yet again!
Woooo!
I got to see my fabulous shrinkydink this past Thursday and we played some more.
I'm now, finally, on a daily maintenance med for my anxiety as it's gotten so out of freakin hand! We also decided to try halving my Seroquel to hopefully help with the extreme sleepiness.
So far...it hasn't made any noticeable difference but as tomorrow will be my 1st early morning since I've halved it, we shall see how much, if at all, easier it is to get up. If it's not, then I'm going back to the full dose to get the most efficacy for the depression.
But I'm now on twice daily Buspar for my anxiety in addition to my clonazepam. I'm hoping to see a result soon....
I can't wait!
I have had to titrate up and I think tonight will be my 1st full dose.
Let's go effects!

Well...shit.

My brain has gone again.
I haven't the foggiest clue as to what else I was going to write.
Damn it!

Well, this is gonna have to do ya for now.
You're used to this by now right??

The last ditch drug?

I knew there was something else I had forgotten to tell you.

So the last med I was on, the second to last resort, or so I was told, went out the window about a month ago. I'm now on the last one on my fabulous shrinkydink's list.
Latuda (sounds like something my kid would make up) is gone and Seroquel is here.

It's been a few weeks now. The biggest effect noticed thus far has been the extreme sleepiness it induces.
Like 13ish hours of sleep.

I couldn't even take it the night before my hearing because I knew that I never would have been able to wake up in time.

So I've tried to take it earlier and earlier in the evening so that I'm not asleep for my kids' whole morning. It's only kinda working.
On the sleep that is.

I think it's actually making a difference in the depression.

Maybe.

I'm still down, I still have the feelings of hopelessness, despair over everything, my desire to not live like this anymore, but they seem somehow lessened. Like there's a barrier somehow preventing me from getting all the way down.

I'm taking it, for sure. There has definitely been ZERO improvement in the anxiety department unfortunately. Granted, antipsychotics aren't meant to affect anxiety.
Unfortunately.

I'm wondering if my nightly clonazepam needs to be increased. Or maybe I need something else.
Or maybe I just need a padded room.

I see the doc in a couple of weeks. We'll see what comes of that visit.

Insight or Insanity

So, when you're crazy aren't you supposed to be able to enjoy it? Aren't you supposed to be less rather than more aware of the depths of your crazy? Blissfully unaware of the level of lost your mind has meandered?
Well I guess that just makes me even more special.
Me? I'm painfully able to analyze my uncontrollable behavior and frequently even in real time. More often than not I'm able to provide insight and understanding for my behavior, I just can't seem to change it.
How fucked up is that?
Doesn't that make me even more of a mental case than originally thought?!
Who does that?
Who psychologically analyzes themselves, pretty perceptively I might add, while they're living/displaying their seriously schizo ways but still can't manage to make any headway in the madness?

Clarity comes but disease still reigns supreme.

Psychoanalysis-not getting me much of anywhere especially when I have to wait 1 and 2 months in between appointments. I was supposed to have an appointment today but had the time wrong, showed up 30 minutes late, wasn't able to be seen and the next available appointment isn't until the 3rd of February. (I've been near hysterical several times since this happened this morning)
Meds-Yeah. My most recent isn't cutting it. At all. At the higher dose I was insanely irritable, at this lower dose I'm irritable and depressed. This med was one of what my doc said were the last two options. There's only one more after this, unless we start combining and I'm not sure what the options are there...

How do you live each day knowing how completely fucked up you are and there doesn't seem to be a damn thing that can be done about it? How do you effect the lives of those you love every day with your craziness when you know they deserve better but can't give it to them?

Bit of a block...

So here we are again after an absence from yours truly.
You have my apologies.
Not much I can tell you sadly. I just haven't had anything. There's been plenty going on, plenty on the brain, but nothing's coming out.
My teeny batshit brain just can't seem to think a thought thoroughly enough to articulate it out to the world.
:(
I'm working on it.
But I'm thinking of you. I could never forget to write, it's just the ability part that's gone on hiatus.

Not as mighty as I'd like

"The pen is mightier than the sword"

Not in this case. Especially since I'm staring down the blade of a double edged sword.
I'm stuck with a shitty ass dilemma.
Depression or side effects

Depression or increased irritability (highly unpredictable)
Depression or raging hunger
Depression or potential hyperglycemia (worst case scenario-diabetes [may or may not be reversible])
Depression or occasional headache

The doc told me to try halving the dose that way I'd still (hopefully) get some good effects from it but that the side effects would be decreased but I'm terrified. I can't afford to lose any of the good, even at the expense of the bad. I'm just too scared. I don't wanna go backward. I've had a couple of relatively good days. You can't take it away now.......

Please don't take it away

They just aren't coming

The words, I mean.
I've been really wanting to write the past couple of days, but the words just aren't there. I've got song lyrics galore traipsing about in my brain but nothing of my own.
I'm reading beautifully written books that are articulate and descriptive in ways that I only dream but again, nothing of my own.
It occurs to me, what a friend once revealed-that I don't write once my mood lifts. And he is right. I don't.
My mood has lifted this past week or so. I'm still exhausted, but it's a fatigue not associated with the desire for isolation. Course, my appetite has also lifted. I'm eating every damn thing in sight regardless of when or what else I've had. Sugar is my main crave and boy howdy if it isn't what I seek out specifically with great skill.
I attribute all of the above to the new med (Zyprexa [actually olanzapine]).
And while my mood lifting is wonderful, it has brought along significant irritability. Not so wonderful! My sweet loving husband has been getting the worst of that, as usual.
So while I feel this lessening of the deeply entrenched darkness that pervaded everything, I also feel an increasing despair over my instantaneous and unprovoked fits of anger. A biting disgust that overrules all other thought processes and lashes out like a whip at whomever (read: my husband) is in my path. Just as quick as I become aware of it at all it has encompassed my whole being and has taken supreme reign over my intentions and actions.
Whodo thunkit? An uncontrollable action in a bipolar???
Surely not!
Such devastation.....
Pfft. Right.

So damn. My mind has yet again wandered away from the task at hand and I haven't even the foggiest of clues as to where this was going.
Shit!
Oh well. It's gone now. I guess you'll just have to settle for what actually found its way out of the loopy labyrinth that is my mind.

A little catch up..

  As mentioned in my oh so poetic post from the other day (it'd be great if you could just insert a ridiculous eye roll here), I have been fortunate enough to play the infamous (and kinda actually famous) Bipolar medication switcheroo.
  Party over here. Woo woo. Party over here. (I'm sure you read that as completely uninterested and monotone as possible, for which case...Great job!)

  My fabulous Shrinkydink -that's my new name for my awesome Psychiatrist, came to the life altering realization on this past Wednesday that I'm "one of those bipolars that can't be on antidepressants 'cuz they have the opposite effect".
  Well holy frickin' hell! What a novel concept!
  Now, I say this genuinely because it actually hadn't occured to me that the antidepressants were exacerbating my depression as opposed to just not helping it.

  So yeah. Now, I'm totally down for this with the exception that one of those damned anti-d's was also my sleep med. Crapdoodle! Now what.
I've dumped the trazodone and the Cymbalta (which I'm still having withdrawals from) and we subbed Zyprexa at 10mg. So now it's just my clonazepam and zyprexa. 2 pills. That's it. And both at bedtime which is really weird for me. Every morning I feel like I'm missing a step 'cuz I don't have any meds to take. Not that I'm complaining mind you, it's just taking some adjusting to.
  And oh yeah, I don't have anything for sleep. And it's blazingly freaking obvious.
~sigh~
  On another note, she agreed with me that I've been cinched tight in a mixed state for quite a while now.
My First!!! Go Me!!!
~vomit~
Oh, and she also agreed with me on my "Responsible Noncompliance". She agreed with my logic and rationale that the lithium was doing nothing. She actually agreed with me so much as to say that she was either (I can't remember which) disappointed or surprised that I hadn't stopped the Cymbalta too.
LOL
I responded that I was just trying to give that higher dose a fair chance to which she said "..well, ok. Fair enough."
Talk about trust huh?!
See why I love my fabulous Shrinkydink???

Anywhoo...
That's a little catch up on me. And for those of you that missed reading between the lines,
*Exhausted
*Dizzy
*Crazy

Yeah, I'd say that covers it.

My inner poet reeks, er, I mean eeks out...

  The night comes swiftly even as the light never dawned
Darkness is not quiet through the light
The end is visible though the birth not so long past

An original from yours truly that just seeped its short path through my brain.
And believe it or not, a second followed...

  So nearly painful and affronting, the reverberation felt from the faint fluttering of an eyelash or the grand gesture to stand upright
The sharp pang of an unsaid thought to the quiet yet somehow cacophonous jolt of a breath
Unassuming
Impersonal
Disparate

Resonation


  The latter being an attempt to express my torture throughout my current, prescribed, drug withdrawal.
Any thoughts or comments?

Responsibly Noncompliant

This is a real thing, I swear!
Well, in my world it is.

  This is my newest label and the fact that it's self imposed is neither here nor there. Please don't bother yourself with that at this time. I'm not.

  So I've dubbed myself Responsibly Noncompliant because I've stopped my lithium. Without doctor consult, much less consent.
  But here's my reasoning.

I am on 2 antidepressants and I'm still depressed. I don't see the point in taking a mood stabilizer that is designed to keep me from going manic when I'm clearly not even close to that end of the scale. Then of course, there's the fact that the last time my lithium level was drawn I was at the very bottom of the therapeutic range which means it may well have not been doing anything at all even if I HAD needed it. So, I'm minus 3 pills every night for now. If there's a change in behavior then I'll reevaluate. I'm aware. I'm being responsible about my irresponsibility. My husband is aware of my actions and understands my point. He is standing by me in my choice and is also maintaining an awareness regarding my moods and behaviors.

I got the staff to slip me in with my Psychiatrist next Wednesday where I will, of course, disclose to her my noncompliance. I will also be discussing with her her thoughts on ECT and ECT for me.

So...that's me.
Not following directions...as usual!

Is this moderate or 'write a new text book'?

There's all of this...shit! in my head and I have no idea what to do with it. Not much of it seems to make a whole lot of sense, particularly when considered together.

  One of the big floaters in my brain recently is my total inclination to stop my Lithium and see what happens. I feel like it's not doing anything. I mean, I know it's a mood stabilizer so it's not a true antidepressant, but given the antidepressants I'm on and I'm still depressed, I don't think we're really in need of a mood stabilizer. Why should I take 3 more damn pills (that leave a nasty taste) than I have to? I figure, stop everything and then treat what comes up...
  Which brings me to another point. What is it that's going on anyway? Is this Bipolar? Is this BPD? Is this Major Depressive Disorder?
  What the hell kind of crazy am I?
  I understand that I'm crazy. I'm good with that. Truly. I just want to know what kind of crazy so that we can deal with it better. Cuz the way we're dealing with things now definitely isn't working!! So, to me, it's a natural and reasonable conclusion to draw that we're not dealing with the right things.
 As I mentioned in a previous post, I am incredibly interested in pursuing ECT. I've done quite a bit of research (books, articles, studies, discussions with nurses, etc...) and everything that I have found proves that I'm a good candidate. I have found a local hospital that does it and they work closely with the patient's Psychiatrist for continuity of care which is great. Now, all that remains is to talk to my Psychiatrist. My next appointment, the soonest she had (and they still slipped me in), isn't until Oct. 23rd. It feels like a lifetime away at this point. A lifetime stuck in this....gray. This confusion. This land of unknown. This painless pain.

Me? Resistant??

You must be thinking of someone else!!
Well, you may be, but I unfortunately am not.

Treatment Resistant Depression. 3 words I've been reading a bit about recently in my own little quest for the answer to "Well now what the hell do we try?". I mean really. I'm on my 3rd antidepressant this year. Not counting my other meds of course. There's a whole class of antidepressants that are off limits since I've had the same reaction to 2 of them (I've gotten lock jaw from both Paxil and Zoloft [which I had been on successfully for years before retrying it]). No more SSRI's (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) for me.
Remeron, an SNRI (Serotonin Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitor), made me gain 10lbs. in 9 days... That was a regular blast!
Wellbutrin, which affects both dopamine and norepinephrine, made me lose 30lbs. in about 2 months. Talk about a good time there! Not really. It's not nearly as fun as it sounds. It was horrible.
Effexor came next, which is also an SNRI, but that didn't bring my appetite back nor did it do anything for the depression so...
Now we're onto Cymbalta, another SNRI. Still no appetite really but no weight loss either. I thought that it was boosting my mood but now I'm less sure. It also may be increasing my anxiety. All of this together with the fact that I'm on Lithium (a mood stabilizer), Trazodone (another SNRI), and Clonazepam (a Benzo).
And yes, I'm still depressed.
It's not that I want to die. I don't. I'm not planning on killing myself! Put the phone down, relax, I'm safe. But I really don't particularly want to be alive either. Living through all of the shit that we've been through in the past year and a half has kinda brought me to a place that I just don't wanna do it anymore. Not that that's stopped us from getting more shit just piled on and on... That may or may not make any sense to you but it's the best way I can describe it.
I haven't done therapy more than a few times this year really. Not for lack of interest or desire but lack of childcare. In the meantime, I was forced to choose between my therapist and my Psychiatrist. I refused at first but I have since chosen to stick with my Psychiatrist and get a new therapist. I have yet to see her and by now, I'm not all that interested in it. It's just one more damn thing I have to work in and deal with. And I've been doing my best to utilize the stress management techniques I know but that hasn't gotten me anywhere. Honestly, at this point, I'm ready to ask my Psych about ECT, what most of you know as shock therapy or shock treatments. It's still widely used as it's been refined from what it started out as. It's used today for Treatment Resistant Depression (there are those 3 words again!). And I must say, after doing the reading, I'm not appalled or turned off. I mean hell, my memory is already turning to shit so I've got that already. Granted, the thought of losing any memories of the kids sure does make me hesitate, but it's not a definite no. Course, I don't even know that I'm a candidate. I don't know if I've led the resistance long enough or if I need to go all Sarah Connor style. Then there's always my pacemaker to consider. Cuz you know, it's always something with me! If it's not the ever-malfunctioning heart, it's the totally fucked up brain. Wooo! Partay!
So that's where I'm at. Ready to stick my finger in a light socket to get a little relief. LOL (Oh it was funny, come on!)
A little insight maybe? A little education maybe? A little "I feel so much better about my life now!" maybe??
Whatever I can do to help!