It's been so long since I've written and yet I have so little to say...
I know, I know. Me? Have "little to say"? Shocking!
But it seems to be true. There is so much to discuss and yet I find myself lacking the power of conversation. Let's see if I can run through an update for you...
As a few of you may know, my partner of the last 6 1/2 years and I have recently decided to separate. It was a painful decision but one made in the best interest of the kids and with each other in mind. It was, by no means, an easy conclusion to come to but we feel that it will improve the situation for all involved. And while we are all going through a major adjustment period, to say the least, there has been some relief and that's something to be thankful for.
Amidst this heart wrenching decision has been my seemingly unending battle with bipolar depression. I have struggled significantly with medication failure after medication failure. As a matter of fact, within the last month I was put on Ritalin, in addition to my 4 other meds, in the hopes that it would boost my body enough to give my mind a chance to follow suit. So far it has made a small difference. One that I'm grateful for.
My disability appeal is now a little closer to conclusion. My doctor was finally able to finish her "medical rebuttal" to the various falsities and inconsistencies in the judge's decision. That was the final piece needed to submit it all. Now we wait...
There are so many more details that are begging to be divulged but my debilitated brain is adamant in its dissent. At least presently...
Please remember, you're always more than welcome to contact me with any questions, comments, or additions to my ramblings. Leave a comment here, contact me via facebook , or drop me a text or call.
Hoping you're all well
Showing posts with label Stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stress. Show all posts
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Sunday, February 23, 2014
The road
This journey is a lonely one.
Mental illness, no matter how well concealed, is a very lonely battle.
I cannot help but contemplate this a great deal this evening. I have so very many things on my mind and yet I find myself without a soul within which to confide completely. Whether this is a self-imposed solitude or a natural by-product of the 'nature of the beast' I have yet to determine.
Whatever the cause, its effects are undeniable.
I feel so very very alone in this world. People in which I used to confide are beyond my reach, people who seem close now still remain at a distance. There are those that claim friendship but who have no wish to be weighed upon by the struggles of others. There are those that might be close were it not for the wall that I defend so well in the interest of not burdening them with troubles not their own.
Whatever the combination of factors, the seeming finality of 'truth' is unwavering.
Mental illness, no matter how well concealed, is a very lonely battle.
I cannot help but contemplate this a great deal this evening. I have so very many things on my mind and yet I find myself without a soul within which to confide completely. Whether this is a self-imposed solitude or a natural by-product of the 'nature of the beast' I have yet to determine.
Whatever the cause, its effects are undeniable.
I feel so very very alone in this world. People in which I used to confide are beyond my reach, people who seem close now still remain at a distance. There are those that claim friendship but who have no wish to be weighed upon by the struggles of others. There are those that might be close were it not for the wall that I defend so well in the interest of not burdening them with troubles not their own.
Whatever the combination of factors, the seeming finality of 'truth' is unwavering.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Beaten and bashed
Here I am again.
This time, I'm a few weeks post the denial of my appeal for disability.
Yes, my appeal was denied. Not just denied, I was called a liar, as were my providers, and the judge went so far as to declare that I was not disabled as of the date of decision meaning I can never file a new claim. My only hope at this point is to appeal the appeal, which I am doing.
This judge wrote a 17 page decision wherein she essentially called me a liar stating frequent inconsistencies, a few false 'facts', the apparent ineptitude of multiple providers, the omission of my severe anxiety attack during the proceedings as well as the omission of records from 1 provider. (I need to double check the exhibit list to see if she's on there)
Needless to say, I feel completely invalidated, impotent and hopeless.
This decision has had such a significantly negative effect on me. So much so actually that a friend even went so far as to inquire about possible action against the judge, something like seeking pain and suffering. I don't know about pursuing that, if it's even possible, but I tell you, there are grounds for it...
My lawyer has asked me to formulate a letter making a point by point reference to all the issues but I have yet to be able to do that. I am having a very hard time with it. I was able to go through the 17 pages and highlight the issues but I can't seem to get past that step. This damned judge has me afraid of being too articulate. Of having too high a level of function. Since apparently, according to this judge, my ability to occasionally write on this blog clearly proves that I'm high functioning.
True story.
It was specifically mentioned in the decision.
As was my apparently, at some point, returning to school for nail design or something.
Yeah...the only thing I've ever done with nail polish is occasionally buy it and watch it flake off my nails within 24 hours. I haven't been to school in years!! For anything! Where the hell this info came from is beyond me but it managed to help make a case against me.
As did my ability to parent my children. Although the decision has sited several times that I'm able to do so completely on my own part of the time, which is soooo untrue. The only thing that I'm able to do completely on my own is be crazy and anxious and a wreck.
That's all me.
There were several other things within the extensive discrediting that I can't even wrap my brain around. Suffice it to say that it's successfully scarred and weakened me.
So there you have the update.
It's time for me to leave this topic for now...
This time, I'm a few weeks post the denial of my appeal for disability.
Yes, my appeal was denied. Not just denied, I was called a liar, as were my providers, and the judge went so far as to declare that I was not disabled as of the date of decision meaning I can never file a new claim. My only hope at this point is to appeal the appeal, which I am doing.
This judge wrote a 17 page decision wherein she essentially called me a liar stating frequent inconsistencies, a few false 'facts', the apparent ineptitude of multiple providers, the omission of my severe anxiety attack during the proceedings as well as the omission of records from 1 provider. (I need to double check the exhibit list to see if she's on there)
Needless to say, I feel completely invalidated, impotent and hopeless.
This decision has had such a significantly negative effect on me. So much so actually that a friend even went so far as to inquire about possible action against the judge, something like seeking pain and suffering. I don't know about pursuing that, if it's even possible, but I tell you, there are grounds for it...
My lawyer has asked me to formulate a letter making a point by point reference to all the issues but I have yet to be able to do that. I am having a very hard time with it. I was able to go through the 17 pages and highlight the issues but I can't seem to get past that step. This damned judge has me afraid of being too articulate. Of having too high a level of function. Since apparently, according to this judge, my ability to occasionally write on this blog clearly proves that I'm high functioning.
True story.
It was specifically mentioned in the decision.
As was my apparently, at some point, returning to school for nail design or something.
Yeah...the only thing I've ever done with nail polish is occasionally buy it and watch it flake off my nails within 24 hours. I haven't been to school in years!! For anything! Where the hell this info came from is beyond me but it managed to help make a case against me.
As did my ability to parent my children. Although the decision has sited several times that I'm able to do so completely on my own part of the time, which is soooo untrue. The only thing that I'm able to do completely on my own is be crazy and anxious and a wreck.
That's all me.
There were several other things within the extensive discrediting that I can't even wrap my brain around. Suffice it to say that it's successfully scarred and weakened me.
So there you have the update.
It's time for me to leave this topic for now...
Friday, January 3, 2014
Overdue...as usual
Anxiety, layoffs, hearings, anxiety, holidays, anxiety.... Oh my!
Let's see here. You're definitely due a big one.
First off, I hope that you had a wonderful holiday season. I wish for you all reading this nothing but the most wonderful possibilities in this new year.
As for catching up..let's see.
It has just come to my attention that I disguise my anxiety rather well. So well in fact that people that have known me for some time (45 minute visits 2-3 times a week at the karate studio) didn't know that I had anxiety.
HA!!!
How'd I manage that??
I wish I could hide it from me!
My meds don't even manage that and I'm on daily maintenance for that purpose! I still have random freakin anxiety attacks probably 3 days out of 5 not to mention the anxiety attacks that actually have an identifiable cause.
It's freakin exhausting! And I can't take meds for all of these attacks either. If I did, I'd end up doped to the gills and my kids need a mom. It's bad enough they're stuck with the broken one they've got, I don't need to make it worse.
So there's that.
Speaking of anxiety, that brings me to my Disability Appeal Hearing. Yes. The hearing was on the 17th of December. I was having some fairly serious anxiety starting the day off so I took a pill on the way to the hearing. We met my lawyer there and proceeded to a room to "prepare" for the hearing where I had to take another pill as my anxiety was rapidly increasing. I mean, this was a cluster fuck if ever there was one. I was in a strange place, with something incredibly important on the line, with strange people-one of which was male who had to sit right next to me, and I had to talk. To a judge! About my complete and total lack of sanity!
Yeah.....I ended up having to take a 3rd dose right there in the room and the judge actually paused the proceedings because I was frickin hysterical.
Yep! Way to hold it together! Keep that composure girl!
I mean, on one hand I see how it could be beneficial for the judge to see me lose it that severely over something as small as sitting in a room with 2 strangers. On the other hand, I can't believe that I came so unglued in front of a judge!
I just couldn't help it. I was totally and completely unable to handle it. Of course, why should I be surprised? I had a full on anxiety attack the other day in the grocery store for whatever known reason. I made the quick trip with a friend.
Oh my god! All of a sudden, for no apparent reason I was shaking, sweating, my heart was racing, my stomach was upset SEVERELY, and I was dizzy.
Full on anxiety attack after spending less than a minute in the same grocery store that I've gone to for 2 years now. But then again, it's because of events like that increasing in frequency that have prevented me from doing the regular shopping, laundry, bank errands, etc. Because I never know when or where some random certifiable spaz out is going to occur.
Yeah.
Fun times!
In other anxiety worthy news, the Hubby got laid off on the 11th. There just wasn't enough work for the company to keep him on. They totally want him back but don't expect to be able to bring him back until May.
May!
So the whole unemployment gig was done only to find out that he won't be getting nearly what he was making (which was barely enough at the time).
At least food stamps and medicaid return. Thankfully. The Husband and I desperately need the medicaid back. His MS needs to be evaluated. He hasn't seen a Neurologist in about 2 years. And then of course there's all my meds and my cardiac stuff.
So....yeah.
Oh! Regarding the disability hearing-the judge asked to see my blog.
Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
Apparently my therapist, way back when, had mentioned my writing in her notes. Course, that was back before the hospital when I had been able to write on my old blog regularly. I told her that I hadn't written on it in about a year (at least) but that I had one now that I write on occasionally. She asked to see both of them. Well...turns out that wasn't such an easy task. My old blog is no longer accessible on the internet. I don't know where it went but it isn't out there in the world anymore. It was being hosted on a friends' co-workers' server but it's not there anymore. So yeah. Bye-bye to all that work...
As for this blog, I printed it all out and turned it in to my lawyer for submission.
When talking to a friend about it yesterday, an interesting point came up.
She said that it was like an invasion of privacy. This blog is very much a journal for me. I don't actually write it for anyone to see, I write it to get it out. I'm not even sure how many people, if any, see this blog. I get no feedback from readers here on the blog and very little feedback from people on the facebook page for it. I have no idea if it reaches 1 person, no people, or 30 people. But in any case, as I write this as a way to express myself, just like a journal, it should not have any bearing on my disability case. It should not be considered in any way. Especially when considering that while I may be able to post things on here, sometimes just getting one quick post up can take me days. And so many things never make it up because I can't bring myself to get them out. Anxiety or inability to focus or complete lack of articulation...all of these play major factors in my ability to write my thoughts out.
So anyway..
That was that.
See...here we go again. My mind has wandered off point and I can't follow through.
Grrrrrr!!!
Well, I'm gonna call it good here.
I'm not sure when I'll hear about the disability. Hopefully soon. The judge had said that the printed blogs could be submitted when she returned to her office on the 2nd of January (yesterday). They were submitted before Christmas (to my knowledge) so hopefully she'll make a decision soon. Goodness knows, if she bases it, as she should, on my ability to handle the proceeding and on my doctor's notes, I'll be approved. Let's hope that she sees that I truly can't handle the big wide world and helps provide our family with that which I can not. At least financially.
Here's to hoping that I don't continue to be as useless as I feel.
Let's see here. You're definitely due a big one.
First off, I hope that you had a wonderful holiday season. I wish for you all reading this nothing but the most wonderful possibilities in this new year.
As for catching up..let's see.
It has just come to my attention that I disguise my anxiety rather well. So well in fact that people that have known me for some time (45 minute visits 2-3 times a week at the karate studio) didn't know that I had anxiety.
HA!!!
How'd I manage that??
I wish I could hide it from me!
My meds don't even manage that and I'm on daily maintenance for that purpose! I still have random freakin anxiety attacks probably 3 days out of 5 not to mention the anxiety attacks that actually have an identifiable cause.
It's freakin exhausting! And I can't take meds for all of these attacks either. If I did, I'd end up doped to the gills and my kids need a mom. It's bad enough they're stuck with the broken one they've got, I don't need to make it worse.
So there's that.
Speaking of anxiety, that brings me to my Disability Appeal Hearing. Yes. The hearing was on the 17th of December. I was having some fairly serious anxiety starting the day off so I took a pill on the way to the hearing. We met my lawyer there and proceeded to a room to "prepare" for the hearing where I had to take another pill as my anxiety was rapidly increasing. I mean, this was a cluster fuck if ever there was one. I was in a strange place, with something incredibly important on the line, with strange people-one of which was male who had to sit right next to me, and I had to talk. To a judge! About my complete and total lack of sanity!
Yeah.....I ended up having to take a 3rd dose right there in the room and the judge actually paused the proceedings because I was frickin hysterical.
Yep! Way to hold it together! Keep that composure girl!
I mean, on one hand I see how it could be beneficial for the judge to see me lose it that severely over something as small as sitting in a room with 2 strangers. On the other hand, I can't believe that I came so unglued in front of a judge!
I just couldn't help it. I was totally and completely unable to handle it. Of course, why should I be surprised? I had a full on anxiety attack the other day in the grocery store for whatever known reason. I made the quick trip with a friend.
Oh my god! All of a sudden, for no apparent reason I was shaking, sweating, my heart was racing, my stomach was upset SEVERELY, and I was dizzy.
Full on anxiety attack after spending less than a minute in the same grocery store that I've gone to for 2 years now. But then again, it's because of events like that increasing in frequency that have prevented me from doing the regular shopping, laundry, bank errands, etc. Because I never know when or where some random certifiable spaz out is going to occur.
Yeah.
Fun times!
In other anxiety worthy news, the Hubby got laid off on the 11th. There just wasn't enough work for the company to keep him on. They totally want him back but don't expect to be able to bring him back until May.
May!
So the whole unemployment gig was done only to find out that he won't be getting nearly what he was making (which was barely enough at the time).
At least food stamps and medicaid return. Thankfully. The Husband and I desperately need the medicaid back. His MS needs to be evaluated. He hasn't seen a Neurologist in about 2 years. And then of course there's all my meds and my cardiac stuff.
So....yeah.
Oh! Regarding the disability hearing-the judge asked to see my blog.
Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
Apparently my therapist, way back when, had mentioned my writing in her notes. Course, that was back before the hospital when I had been able to write on my old blog regularly. I told her that I hadn't written on it in about a year (at least) but that I had one now that I write on occasionally. She asked to see both of them. Well...turns out that wasn't such an easy task. My old blog is no longer accessible on the internet. I don't know where it went but it isn't out there in the world anymore. It was being hosted on a friends' co-workers' server but it's not there anymore. So yeah. Bye-bye to all that work...
As for this blog, I printed it all out and turned it in to my lawyer for submission.
When talking to a friend about it yesterday, an interesting point came up.
She said that it was like an invasion of privacy. This blog is very much a journal for me. I don't actually write it for anyone to see, I write it to get it out. I'm not even sure how many people, if any, see this blog. I get no feedback from readers here on the blog and very little feedback from people on the facebook page for it. I have no idea if it reaches 1 person, no people, or 30 people. But in any case, as I write this as a way to express myself, just like a journal, it should not have any bearing on my disability case. It should not be considered in any way. Especially when considering that while I may be able to post things on here, sometimes just getting one quick post up can take me days. And so many things never make it up because I can't bring myself to get them out. Anxiety or inability to focus or complete lack of articulation...all of these play major factors in my ability to write my thoughts out.
So anyway..
That was that.
See...here we go again. My mind has wandered off point and I can't follow through.
Grrrrrr!!!
Well, I'm gonna call it good here.
I'm not sure when I'll hear about the disability. Hopefully soon. The judge had said that the printed blogs could be submitted when she returned to her office on the 2nd of January (yesterday). They were submitted before Christmas (to my knowledge) so hopefully she'll make a decision soon. Goodness knows, if she bases it, as she should, on my ability to handle the proceeding and on my doctor's notes, I'll be approved. Let's hope that she sees that I truly can't handle the big wide world and helps provide our family with that which I can not. At least financially.
Here's to hoping that I don't continue to be as useless as I feel.
Friday, November 1, 2013
Heard....or is it herd?
I got word the other day that my disability hearing has been scheduled for Tuesday, December 17, 2013.
Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!!
They call it a "hearing". But will I really be heard? Will my medical records be heard? Will they see me?
I guess I'm just terrified that I'll be taken as part of a cookie cutter mold of crazies.
Don't get me wrong - I'm crazy! Well all know this.
But I am my own brand of crazy damn it!
And barring any complete sedation from the drugs I will inevitably have to take to survive just getting there, hopefully the judge will see my own personal flavor of wacko and help out our struggling family.
Thoughts, love, hugs, prayers, juju, vibes....anything ya got, I sure would appreciate it all on December 17th. I'm going to need it.
Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!!
They call it a "hearing". But will I really be heard? Will my medical records be heard? Will they see me?
I guess I'm just terrified that I'll be taken as part of a cookie cutter mold of crazies.
Don't get me wrong - I'm crazy! Well all know this.
But I am my own brand of crazy damn it!
And barring any complete sedation from the drugs I will inevitably have to take to survive just getting there, hopefully the judge will see my own personal flavor of wacko and help out our struggling family.
Thoughts, love, hugs, prayers, juju, vibes....anything ya got, I sure would appreciate it all on December 17th. I'm going to need it.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Some Reading Materials
And now I bring to you a book list.
One or two that I've read, one or two that I'm currently navigating, and a couple that I am going to be cracking soon.
You may get a common theme. Let's get started.
I recently made my way through Carrie Fisher's Wishful Drinking. Talk about a crack up. It was brief, mildly informative, and laugh out loud funny. Not to mention you get that reality-tv-kind-of-hollywood-dish entertainment. It was her 1st memoir (she came out with a 2nd in 2011 that I will be getting from the library called Shockaholic).
Ok.
I am currently, although very slowly, reading Dan Millman's Way of The Peaceful Warrior. It has been hard for me to focus lately but so far I am absolutely enjoying it. The husband has read it and loved it.
I am also, somewhat begrudgingly, getting through Linda Andre's Doctors of Deception What They Don't Want You To Know About Shock Treatment. I was hoping this book would be more informative. Instead, it's just an angry bitter woman being as negative as possible and using other people's negative experiences and past research to slam ECT. If you're looking for a resource to talk yourself or someone else out of ECT, this is the book for you!
The Body Remembers Casebook by Babette Rothschild is also one that I am trying to read/skim/glean information from at a very slow pace. This one was a recommendation from a former therapist. It's designed more for practitioners but she knew it would be appropriate for me. This volume is about treatments for PTSD and trauma.
I have made it about 1/2 way through, although certainly not any time recently, a book I highly recommend called I Hate You-Don't Leave Me Understanding The Borderline Personality by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD, and Hal Strauss. This was originally published in 1989 and was so phenomenally written that it went through an update and revision in 2010. It is still a prominent resource for clinicians and highly popular with patients. It was written so that the clinician, the patient and the friend/family could all successfully learn from it. It's incredibly interesting even if you or someone you know doesn't have BPD. It'll have you looking at people in a new light.
Speaking of Dr. Kreisman and Mr. Strauss, I have, but have not yet delved into another of theirs by the name of Sometimes I Act Crazy Living With Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm interested to see what this one will offer additionally.
My recent library trip also yielded The Tapping Cure by Roberta Temes, PhD. This is a technique that a former therapist taught me that seemed to help me for a while. The same therapist that recommended The Body Remembers Casebook that I was seeing prior to my breakdown last year. No, I have no idea what that has anything to do with squat, but out of my wacked out brain it came. Just for you! Woo hoo!
Moving on...
The library also sent me home with (like a teacher with homework or something) Living With Someone Who's Living With Bipolar Disorder by Chelsea Lowe and Bruce M. Cohen, MD, PhD. Husband says it's good so far. He's read through chapter 2 but has also skipped to a couple of specific sections, 1 on ECT.
I have 2 books that just came in to the library that are waiting for pick up. One is Shock: The Healing Power of Electroconvulsive Therapy by Kitty Dukakis and Larry Tye. I'm looking forward to this one being educational and informative. The other is Night Falls Fast Understanding Suicide by Kay Redfield Jamison. She also wrote one of the books that actually changed my life, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods And Madness. She is a leading resource on Bipolar being a clinical psychologist that has suffered with it for years.
So there you go. Some great reads on the subject of the shit that can go funk'd in our brains, and certainly has mine, and how to deal with it.
Enjoy!
One or two that I've read, one or two that I'm currently navigating, and a couple that I am going to be cracking soon.
You may get a common theme. Let's get started.
I recently made my way through Carrie Fisher's Wishful Drinking. Talk about a crack up. It was brief, mildly informative, and laugh out loud funny. Not to mention you get that reality-tv-kind-of-hollywood-dish entertainment. It was her 1st memoir (she came out with a 2nd in 2011 that I will be getting from the library called Shockaholic).
Ok.
I am currently, although very slowly, reading Dan Millman's Way of The Peaceful Warrior. It has been hard for me to focus lately but so far I am absolutely enjoying it. The husband has read it and loved it.
I am also, somewhat begrudgingly, getting through Linda Andre's Doctors of Deception What They Don't Want You To Know About Shock Treatment. I was hoping this book would be more informative. Instead, it's just an angry bitter woman being as negative as possible and using other people's negative experiences and past research to slam ECT. If you're looking for a resource to talk yourself or someone else out of ECT, this is the book for you!
The Body Remembers Casebook by Babette Rothschild is also one that I am trying to read/skim/glean information from at a very slow pace. This one was a recommendation from a former therapist. It's designed more for practitioners but she knew it would be appropriate for me. This volume is about treatments for PTSD and trauma.
I have made it about 1/2 way through, although certainly not any time recently, a book I highly recommend called I Hate You-Don't Leave Me Understanding The Borderline Personality by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD, and Hal Strauss. This was originally published in 1989 and was so phenomenally written that it went through an update and revision in 2010. It is still a prominent resource for clinicians and highly popular with patients. It was written so that the clinician, the patient and the friend/family could all successfully learn from it. It's incredibly interesting even if you or someone you know doesn't have BPD. It'll have you looking at people in a new light.
Speaking of Dr. Kreisman and Mr. Strauss, I have, but have not yet delved into another of theirs by the name of Sometimes I Act Crazy Living With Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm interested to see what this one will offer additionally.
My recent library trip also yielded The Tapping Cure by Roberta Temes, PhD. This is a technique that a former therapist taught me that seemed to help me for a while. The same therapist that recommended The Body Remembers Casebook that I was seeing prior to my breakdown last year. No, I have no idea what that has anything to do with squat, but out of my wacked out brain it came. Just for you! Woo hoo!
Moving on...
The library also sent me home with (like a teacher with homework or something) Living With Someone Who's Living With Bipolar Disorder by Chelsea Lowe and Bruce M. Cohen, MD, PhD. Husband says it's good so far. He's read through chapter 2 but has also skipped to a couple of specific sections, 1 on ECT.
I have 2 books that just came in to the library that are waiting for pick up. One is Shock: The Healing Power of Electroconvulsive Therapy by Kitty Dukakis and Larry Tye. I'm looking forward to this one being educational and informative. The other is Night Falls Fast Understanding Suicide by Kay Redfield Jamison. She also wrote one of the books that actually changed my life, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods And Madness. She is a leading resource on Bipolar being a clinical psychologist that has suffered with it for years.
So there you go. Some great reads on the subject of the shit that can go funk'd in our brains, and certainly has mine, and how to deal with it.
Enjoy!
Monday, September 23, 2013
Conglomeration of Crap
And a fine evening to you! I hope that you're not feeling anywhere near as overwhelmed or clueless or helpless as I am. Every thought I can spare is sent your way with love and goodness because I desperately hope that not everyone is going through the mucky trenches that we are.
I'll warn you now; this is going to be a dump fest. I'm just going to throw it all out there in hopes that it will help me feel just a teeny bit of relief. I need to get it (it being the ridiculous load of wreckage I'm about to crumble under) out. The best way I can think of, which isn't saying much at the moment, is to lay it all out there, verbal vomit style.
Let the bitching commence!
Let's see, we're struggling financially. HA!! We can't pay our bills, food stamps ended last month, Medicaid ends this month (for the Husband and I) which means there will probably be more medical debt getting added into the mix soon as my pacemaker is due for replacement in the near future. We're looking into bankruptcy to try to save us from certain doom.
My disability case is up to be scheduled with a judge but that could be anywhere from a month to eight from now. The last medical records that were sent in were said to be in my favor, but who the hell knows. (I told you about that huh?!)
The big kiddo has school issues all his own. He's been tested for both Special Education and Gifted/Talented (we find out the decisions on Oct. 10). He's had academic issues since Kindergarten and we've worked very very hard to help him be as successful as he's been but he needs more and I'm busting my butt to venture down every avenue to make sure we don't miss anything that might help him. He has severe ADHD and is almost as heavily medicated as I am but only because it works! There's a significant improvement with the medications. He has no learning disabilities. On the contrary, he tests Advanced or near Advanced in everything but writing. At the beginning of last year (4th grade) he was reading 156 words per minute and his comprehension matched it. He's incredibly intelligent but has other issues that we just haven't quite nailed down. A mild Asperger's is one thought we've had. He has no identified Sensory issues but I think there's something there. He also has anxiety, the poor sweet boy. My sweet loving boy is getting to be as big of a wreck as his crazy mama and he's only 10!
What else?!?
Oh yeah! My car died a couple weeks ago. Wooooooo! It's quite possibly an easy fix (I already replaced the fuel pump relay to no avail) but we just haven't the money for the cheap parts. So now instead of at least having four 20 year old doors and an actual back seat (even if littl'n had almost no leg room), we're stuck in an extended cab pick-up truck that's not in complete repair. The littl'n and her big car seat is in the passenger seat while the big kiddo sits in the little jump seats behind. That's also where my almost 6 foot 230lb. husband crams in anytime we have to go anywhere on the weekends because if I'm a passenger for very long I get car sick. Damn freakin' good thing that he just recently got a work van to commute with huh?!?!?!
I delved into the dismal world of my PTSD in the last post so we don't need to dig that dog up again...
I'm pretty sure there's more but my brain just isn't willing to cooperate any further.
I'm actually so stressed that I'm calm and barely even able to register it all. That's probably not good huh?? Eh. That's what meds are for!! Weeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!
Well, that's me out for the night. Until next time...
I'll warn you now; this is going to be a dump fest. I'm just going to throw it all out there in hopes that it will help me feel just a teeny bit of relief. I need to get it (it being the ridiculous load of wreckage I'm about to crumble under) out. The best way I can think of, which isn't saying much at the moment, is to lay it all out there, verbal vomit style.
Let the bitching commence!
Let's see, we're struggling financially. HA!! We can't pay our bills, food stamps ended last month, Medicaid ends this month (for the Husband and I) which means there will probably be more medical debt getting added into the mix soon as my pacemaker is due for replacement in the near future. We're looking into bankruptcy to try to save us from certain doom.
My disability case is up to be scheduled with a judge but that could be anywhere from a month to eight from now. The last medical records that were sent in were said to be in my favor, but who the hell knows. (I told you about that huh?!)
The big kiddo has school issues all his own. He's been tested for both Special Education and Gifted/Talented (we find out the decisions on Oct. 10). He's had academic issues since Kindergarten and we've worked very very hard to help him be as successful as he's been but he needs more and I'm busting my butt to venture down every avenue to make sure we don't miss anything that might help him. He has severe ADHD and is almost as heavily medicated as I am but only because it works! There's a significant improvement with the medications. He has no learning disabilities. On the contrary, he tests Advanced or near Advanced in everything but writing. At the beginning of last year (4th grade) he was reading 156 words per minute and his comprehension matched it. He's incredibly intelligent but has other issues that we just haven't quite nailed down. A mild Asperger's is one thought we've had. He has no identified Sensory issues but I think there's something there. He also has anxiety, the poor sweet boy. My sweet loving boy is getting to be as big of a wreck as his crazy mama and he's only 10!
What else?!?
Oh yeah! My car died a couple weeks ago. Wooooooo! It's quite possibly an easy fix (I already replaced the fuel pump relay to no avail) but we just haven't the money for the cheap parts. So now instead of at least having four 20 year old doors and an actual back seat (even if littl'n had almost no leg room), we're stuck in an extended cab pick-up truck that's not in complete repair. The littl'n and her big car seat is in the passenger seat while the big kiddo sits in the little jump seats behind. That's also where my almost 6 foot 230lb. husband crams in anytime we have to go anywhere on the weekends because if I'm a passenger for very long I get car sick. Damn freakin' good thing that he just recently got a work van to commute with huh?!?!?!
I delved into the dismal world of my PTSD in the last post so we don't need to dig that dog up again...
I'm pretty sure there's more but my brain just isn't willing to cooperate any further.
I'm actually so stressed that I'm calm and barely even able to register it all. That's probably not good huh?? Eh. That's what meds are for!! Weeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!
Well, that's me out for the night. Until next time...
Thursday, September 19, 2013
It's been a while...
It's been a while, dear readers, since I've come to you with my wannabe witty repartee. So very many things have happened in life. Illness, death, decent into depression (again), growth, exciting opportunities, ongoing ethics investigations, you name it.
Between medication changes, medication toxicities (cardiologist's bad) and medication screw ups (my bad), my body is frickin exhausted! I'm still trying to recover from my med mess up a week ago. **Helpful hint for the day--Don't accidentally take your night time meds in the morning! NOT a good thing. Nor is it an easy thing to bounce back from...
Now on to a concise(ish) clue-in:
My sweet husband had to say goodbye to a longtime friend last month who died of a heart attack at the age of 36. I don't recall who said it but one of us or our friends very accurately stated, "We're too young to be having friends die of heart attacks."
PTSD has been rearing it's really fuckin' ugly head lately by letting me have the joy of an almost constant barrage of horrible memories. Yay! Many of them being memories that I had worked on, and successfully so until now, with 2 sessions of EMDR a couple years ago. I've tried one of the techniques I learned to try to help decrease these really crummy memories but I've yet to succeed.
The thoughts I've been so fortunate to be graced with again are some of the many from my rape in 2007. Thankfully, to date, I don't remember the actual action but I do remember everything that transpired once I woke up from the drug induced sleep. And hey, how lucky for me that I happened across the letter from the D.A.'s office telling me that they had dropped the case due to insufficient evidence just the other day. (They dropped the case about 2 years ago now but it was found while I searched for something else)
-If there's anyone that would like to talk on this subject, please feel free to email me at blatantbonnie@hotmail.com
We've struggled with our sweet little girl being sick time and again since March. Croup, Respiratory Infections, "Reactive Airway" which was finally just flat out called Asthma recently. Her providers agreed with us that our old nasty ass "crack shack" cat urine saturated apartment carpet was most likely a very large contributing factor and wrote a note stating such. Well, we prepared for a battle with management but didn't have one. They acquiesced, rather quickly as a matter of fact, and we have brand new carpet and padding in our apartment. The rejoicing was done in tears and never ending smiles. So far no new illness for the littl'n but it's only been a month. We're hoping for the best but still ready for what we've gotten used to which is lots of chest x-rays, steroids and breathing treatments.
And speaking of the little gorgeous one, we are thrilled to report that she is currently attending a Gifted Private School in their Pre-K class. She's in real school, not just some preschool. She has Spanish class twice a week, she's writing her name beautifully, and she seems to be a shining star in her wonderful teacher's eye. It's an absolute joy watching her in class. The learning environment is exceptional and absolutely a dream come true. This school fits our littl'n in every way. Who she is as a person and how she learns. It's more wonderful than I can express. :)
So Yay there!!
All the medical records have finally been completed and submitted to Social Security for my appeal. We were informed a month or so ago that my case is up to be scheduled with a judge so now it's just a waiting game... Oh the joy. The rapture. The exquisite bliss..... *barf*
I was told that the last questionnaires that were submitted by my therapist and Psychiatrist were favorable for me which is good but I'm still totally freaking out about the whole thing. 1st off, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GO TO COURT!!!!!! Holy frickin crap! And talk to a judge!! Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait to have this done and over with!
I'm still waiting to hear about the ethics investigation on the 1st lawyer I had for my disability case. Call me crazy (HA!) but I had an issue with them filing motions on my behalf without my knowledge or consent. It was helpful that they filed my appeal for me but after I had told them multiple times that I was terminating our 'relationship' and would file the appeal myself.... Yeah. Not amused. So I filed a complaint with the Office of Lawyers Professional Responsibility which turned into an investigation by the Ethics Investigator. And yet again...we're in a waiting game.
Wooo!
~Deep Breath~
There's soo much more but I'm thinkin' that oughta do it for now.
I'll let you recover from that disturbing discharge of data before I bombard you with the sickening surplus.
Damn! I love alliteration! ;)
Between medication changes, medication toxicities (cardiologist's bad) and medication screw ups (my bad), my body is frickin exhausted! I'm still trying to recover from my med mess up a week ago. **Helpful hint for the day--Don't accidentally take your night time meds in the morning! NOT a good thing. Nor is it an easy thing to bounce back from...
Now on to a concise(ish) clue-in:
My sweet husband had to say goodbye to a longtime friend last month who died of a heart attack at the age of 36. I don't recall who said it but one of us or our friends very accurately stated, "We're too young to be having friends die of heart attacks."
PTSD has been rearing it's really fuckin' ugly head lately by letting me have the joy of an almost constant barrage of horrible memories. Yay! Many of them being memories that I had worked on, and successfully so until now, with 2 sessions of EMDR a couple years ago. I've tried one of the techniques I learned to try to help decrease these really crummy memories but I've yet to succeed.
The thoughts I've been so fortunate to be graced with again are some of the many from my rape in 2007. Thankfully, to date, I don't remember the actual action but I do remember everything that transpired once I woke up from the drug induced sleep. And hey, how lucky for me that I happened across the letter from the D.A.'s office telling me that they had dropped the case due to insufficient evidence just the other day. (They dropped the case about 2 years ago now but it was found while I searched for something else)
-If there's anyone that would like to talk on this subject, please feel free to email me at blatantbonnie@hotmail.com
We've struggled with our sweet little girl being sick time and again since March. Croup, Respiratory Infections, "Reactive Airway" which was finally just flat out called Asthma recently. Her providers agreed with us that our old nasty ass "crack shack" cat urine saturated apartment carpet was most likely a very large contributing factor and wrote a note stating such. Well, we prepared for a battle with management but didn't have one. They acquiesced, rather quickly as a matter of fact, and we have brand new carpet and padding in our apartment. The rejoicing was done in tears and never ending smiles. So far no new illness for the littl'n but it's only been a month. We're hoping for the best but still ready for what we've gotten used to which is lots of chest x-rays, steroids and breathing treatments.
And speaking of the little gorgeous one, we are thrilled to report that she is currently attending a Gifted Private School in their Pre-K class. She's in real school, not just some preschool. She has Spanish class twice a week, she's writing her name beautifully, and she seems to be a shining star in her wonderful teacher's eye. It's an absolute joy watching her in class. The learning environment is exceptional and absolutely a dream come true. This school fits our littl'n in every way. Who she is as a person and how she learns. It's more wonderful than I can express. :)
So Yay there!!
All the medical records have finally been completed and submitted to Social Security for my appeal. We were informed a month or so ago that my case is up to be scheduled with a judge so now it's just a waiting game... Oh the joy. The rapture. The exquisite bliss..... *barf*
I was told that the last questionnaires that were submitted by my therapist and Psychiatrist were favorable for me which is good but I'm still totally freaking out about the whole thing. 1st off, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GO TO COURT!!!!!! Holy frickin crap! And talk to a judge!! Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait to have this done and over with!
I'm still waiting to hear about the ethics investigation on the 1st lawyer I had for my disability case. Call me crazy (HA!) but I had an issue with them filing motions on my behalf without my knowledge or consent. It was helpful that they filed my appeal for me but after I had told them multiple times that I was terminating our 'relationship' and would file the appeal myself.... Yeah. Not amused. So I filed a complaint with the Office of Lawyers Professional Responsibility which turned into an investigation by the Ethics Investigator. And yet again...we're in a waiting game.
Wooo!
~Deep Breath~
There's soo much more but I'm thinkin' that oughta do it for now.
I'll let you recover from that disturbing discharge of data before I bombard you with the sickening surplus.
Damn! I love alliteration! ;)
Saturday, February 2, 2013
No singularity here
S T R E S S
Something that escapes no one. Not even our children. Stress is always something that can be managed better, by everyone.
Managing stress while living with Bipolar is challenging at best. Managing stress while living with Borderline Personality Disorder is even a step above, or is that below? People with BPD already tend to have a reduced tolerance to stress. The presence of BPD has been known to increase the symptoms of other co-occurring diseases/disorders. And guess what else increases the symptoms of all other diseases/disorders??
Yepper do! You guessed it!
Stress!
And let's talk about overwhelmed right now!!!
I've been having a rough week or so thanks to the inter-connectedness of all of the above ridiculousness. My little immediate family of 3 is at the lowest point we've ever been.
I feel like the actual picture in your mind's eye of the camel's back just before that miniscule golden straw makes its dire landing. It's that intense a fragility that plagues me. Even a shattered eggshell is stronger than I am lately. At any given moment, I feel near to collapsing into a pile of tears and slobbering gibberish.
Our finances are dire. Not strained, not barely break even, dire. Paying rent, as well as the other bills, has become more than a challenge this month. It became an un-possibility. (How ya likin' that one?!?) On our own that is. For the 1st time in my adult life I'm having to turn almost entirely to charity. Either that of strangers or of family and friends. I've been evaluating food banks and even the potential for homeless shelters in the case that we can't make rent.
Yes, it's that bad.
My MS stricken husband is working diligently at a job (5-7 days a week) that barely pays over minimum wage and goes to school 4 nights a week so that he can have an education with which to secure greater financial stability for us.
We, anxiously, await a determination from Social Security regarding SSDI (disability) and SSI (social security income) for me owing to my inability to work a job as a result of the Bipolar, Depression, and Anxiety. The last being possibly the most major player.
So there we are. A brief glimpse into the stresses that are wreaking absolute havoc on a war-torn mind.
Somebody please tell me, where's the party???
Something that escapes no one. Not even our children. Stress is always something that can be managed better, by everyone.
Managing stress while living with Bipolar is challenging at best. Managing stress while living with Borderline Personality Disorder is even a step above, or is that below? People with BPD already tend to have a reduced tolerance to stress. The presence of BPD has been known to increase the symptoms of other co-occurring diseases/disorders. And guess what else increases the symptoms of all other diseases/disorders??
Yepper do! You guessed it!
Stress!
And let's talk about overwhelmed right now!!!
I've been having a rough week or so thanks to the inter-connectedness of all of the above ridiculousness. My little immediate family of 3 is at the lowest point we've ever been.
I feel like the actual picture in your mind's eye of the camel's back just before that miniscule golden straw makes its dire landing. It's that intense a fragility that plagues me. Even a shattered eggshell is stronger than I am lately. At any given moment, I feel near to collapsing into a pile of tears and slobbering gibberish.
Our finances are dire. Not strained, not barely break even, dire. Paying rent, as well as the other bills, has become more than a challenge this month. It became an un-possibility. (How ya likin' that one?!?) On our own that is. For the 1st time in my adult life I'm having to turn almost entirely to charity. Either that of strangers or of family and friends. I've been evaluating food banks and even the potential for homeless shelters in the case that we can't make rent.
Yes, it's that bad.
My MS stricken husband is working diligently at a job (5-7 days a week) that barely pays over minimum wage and goes to school 4 nights a week so that he can have an education with which to secure greater financial stability for us.
We, anxiously, await a determination from Social Security regarding SSDI (disability) and SSI (social security income) for me owing to my inability to work a job as a result of the Bipolar, Depression, and Anxiety. The last being possibly the most major player.
So there we are. A brief glimpse into the stresses that are wreaking absolute havoc on a war-torn mind.
Somebody please tell me, where's the party???
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