A call for cooperation

Fear. That's what it boils down to.
In one of my last updates I told you that we're looking at ECT (shock therapy) as the next line of treatment being that my fabulous shrinky dink has "no plan b" for this last med trial. We're putting our hope in this last medication and I have several weeks before I'll see a result, if I see one at all.
Now, while I researched this treatment and introduced the topic to her several months back, I have to admit, now that it's a much more realistic possibility, I'm quite terrified.
I know that it's safe. It's been done since the 30's. It's been refined since those first cruel decades to a much more stable and comfort minded procedure. It's done under general anesthesia with a muscle relaxant to help minimize physical effects. I'm not as apprehensive about the procedure itself. I know that ECT is one of the safest and most effective treatments for medication resistant depression. I also know that people frequently feel some relief after just two to three sessions.
My trepidation is born of the known effects, namely memory loss. It's that potential that has me feeling a significant dread.
"ECT can effect memory in several ways. You may have trouble remembering events that occurred before treatment began, a condition known as retrograde amnesia. It may be hard to remember things in the weeks or months leading up to treatment, although some people do have problems with memories from previous years, as well. You may also have trouble remembering events that occurred during the weeks of your treatment. And some people have trouble with memory of events that occur even after ECT has stopped. These memory problems usually improve within a couple of months."-According to The Mayo Clinic
I have always had, with the exception of my childhood, a near impeccable memory. Not only do I rely on it heavily but so do those close to me. I am rather distressed at the possibility of losing any of it; after all, I have two kids that rely on me.
There's the memory issue, and the foreboding feeling that it won't work. After all, I have failed everything else. Why should such a radical treatment used to stave off severe depression in others work on me? All the drugs I've been on are supposed to work too...
I have such a sense of failure. Like I'm fighting a losing battle.
I know, I know, that's no way to look at it but I can't help it. That's part and parcel of the whole depression thing... An inability to look at things positively.
I'm trying, I really am. I'm trying to put my faith in the good prospects but it's difficult.
I need help friends. I need help seeing the positive.

Confidence curtailed

So about a month, month and a half ago, I was feeling a little more confident and committed to begin karate again. Partly to support the little one who just made it to the big leagues in karate and wanted me to do it with her due to her own self doubt, partly for myself. I started strong and felt good about what I was doing. I believed that I could really see it through and make it to black belt.
Then the confidence disappeared and was replaced with doubt and anxiety.
I'm quite certain now that there's no way that I can ever remember the forms or the combinations.
Plus there's the whole I'm way too tired all the time, desperately just want to hide from the world issue.
Oh yeah....that.
And, there is the legitimate issue of the tremor in my legs thanks to the Ritalin (that I've stopped) that's still bothering me significantly.
So there is my dilemma. I've made this commitment both to myself and to my daughter and now I'm failing miserably in following through. I just can't bring myself to do it. The anxiety, the almost pain at the thought of getting dressed and getting out in class.
I feel absolutely horrible about it all which is not helping with the depression, as I'm sure you can imagine.
So that's me....

Your cup of tea

What, pray tell, is it? That go to thing/act that gets you back to you.
Is it having a hot cup of coffee/tea by your lonesome?
Is it sitting and listening to your favorite song?
Is it meditating somewhere quiet and soothing?
Is it going for a long walk?
Is it going to some coffee/tea house and writing on your blog?
What do you do to help reset and find yourself again?

For me it's several of the above.

There are so many coping strategies that people can and do use to get through and I find myself increasingly interested in them all. As Depeche Mode said, "I'm always willing to learn when you've got something to teach".    (10 points if you can name the song without looking it up!)

Music is essential in my life, not to mention my coping skills. As I sit here, I have my earbuds in and I'm jamming out to an absolutely fabulous mix of my favorite songs. Music helps me calibrate and reconnect; to myself, to life. I battle such extreme obstacles, namely depression and anxiety, that anything at all that I can use to maintain myself, even if only a fraction of myself, is highly prized.
As a matter of fact, I find listening to my music through my earbuds is the most effective. I can truly focus on the music; hear every instrument, every aspect. It transforms the experience completely. I am able to relish in the intimacy of just me and my music. Whether I'm writing, people watching, or just sitting quietly listening.
A few deep breaths and a great song can really transport me to a place of peace.
What more can you ask for?

What do you do/use to cope with life's twists and turns??

A calming beginning

Last time we met I wrote about a "crisis letter". Well I received my letter from my boyfriend and it's wonderful. As a matter of fact, since I've been having such a hard time with getting up every day since stopping the Ritalin, I've started reading it when I wake up. It's a wonderful way to start a day that is so difficult to begin. It's filled with positive imagery and calming techniques.
I'd already drafted my letter to my boyfriend and, as it turns out, they're remarkably similar. His response to this observation was "great minds...". I suppose that's true, after all, we have been drawn back together after 18 years...

Goin' off the rails...

It's been so long since I've written and yet I have so little to say...
I know, I know. Me? Have "little to say"? Shocking!
But it seems to be true. There is so much to discuss and yet I find myself lacking the power of conversation. Let's see if I can run through an update for you...

As a few of you may know, my partner of the last 6 1/2 years and I have recently decided to separate. It was a painful decision but one made in the best interest of the kids and with each other in mind. It was, by no means, an easy conclusion to come to but we feel that it will improve the situation for all involved. And while we are all going through a major adjustment period, to say the least, there has been some relief and that's something to be thankful for.

Amidst this heart wrenching decision has been my seemingly unending battle with bipolar depression. I have struggled significantly with medication failure after medication failure. As a matter of fact, within the last month I was put on Ritalin, in addition to my 4 other meds, in the hopes that it would boost my body enough to give my mind a chance to follow suit. So far it has made a small difference. One that I'm grateful for.

My disability appeal is now a little closer to conclusion. My doctor was finally able to finish her "medical rebuttal" to the various falsities and inconsistencies in the judge's decision. That was the final piece needed to submit it all. Now we wait...

There are so many more details that are begging to be divulged but my debilitated brain is adamant in its dissent. At least presently...

Please remember, you're always more than welcome to contact me with any questions, comments, or additions to my ramblings. Leave a comment here, contact me via facebook , or drop me a text or call.

Hoping you're all well

The road

This journey is a lonely one.
Mental illness, no matter how well concealed, is a very lonely battle.

I cannot help but contemplate this a great deal this evening. I have so very many things on my mind and yet I find myself without a soul within which to confide completely. Whether this is a self-imposed solitude or a natural by-product of the 'nature of the beast' I have yet to determine.
Whatever the cause, its effects are undeniable.

I feel so very very alone in this world. People in which I used to confide are beyond my reach, people who seem close now still remain at a distance. There are those that claim friendship but who have no wish to be weighed upon by the struggles of others. There are those that might be close were it not for the wall that I defend so well in the interest of not burdening them with troubles not their own.

Whatever the combination of factors, the seeming finality of 'truth' is unwavering.

Beaten and bashed

Here I am again.

This time, I'm a few weeks post the denial of my appeal for disability.

Yes, my appeal was denied. Not just denied, I was called a liar, as were my providers, and the judge went so far as to declare that I was not disabled as of the date of decision meaning I can never file a new claim. My only hope at this point is to appeal the appeal, which I am doing.
This judge wrote a 17 page decision wherein she essentially called me a liar stating frequent inconsistencies, a few false 'facts', the apparent ineptitude of multiple providers, the omission of my severe anxiety attack during the proceedings as well as the omission of records from 1 provider. (I need to double check the exhibit list to see if she's on there)

Needless to say, I feel completely invalidated, impotent and hopeless.
This decision has had such a significantly negative effect on me. So much so actually that a friend even went so far as to inquire about possible action against the judge, something like seeking pain and suffering. I don't know about pursuing that, if it's even possible, but I tell you, there are grounds for it...

My lawyer has asked me to formulate a letter making a point by point reference to all the issues but I have yet to be able to do that. I am having a very hard time with it. I was able to go through the 17 pages and highlight the issues but I can't seem to get past that step. This damned judge has me afraid of being too articulate. Of having too high a level of function. Since apparently, according to this judge, my ability to occasionally write on this blog clearly proves that I'm high functioning.
True story.
It was specifically mentioned in the decision.

As was my apparently, at some point, returning to school for nail design or something.
Yeah...the only thing I've ever done with nail polish is occasionally buy it and watch it flake off my nails within 24 hours. I haven't been to school in years!! For anything! Where the hell this info came from is beyond me but it managed to help make a case against me.
As did my ability to parent my children. Although the decision has sited several times that I'm able to do so completely on my own part of the time, which is soooo untrue. The only thing that I'm able to do completely on my own is be crazy and anxious and a wreck.
That's all me.

There were several other things within the extensive discrediting that I can't even wrap my brain around. Suffice it to say that it's successfully scarred and weakened me.

So there you have the update.
It's time for me to leave this topic for now...

More squeeze please?

No thanks, I've got plenty!!

I've had a constant pressure in my chest and feeling of apprehension for the last week or so.
Do you have any idea what that feels like? Anybody?

It's only actually gone away a couple of times and only for a very short time. The rest of the time it is constant with fairly frequent increases for no damned apparent reason.

I'm getting anxious texting a friend. I'm getting anxious sitting on my couch watching a movie, I'm getting anxious getting dressed, I'm getting anxious opening my computer, I'm getting anxious getting into bed.

Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgh!!!!!

I think I may have slipped right off the edge.

The edge of reason
The edge of rationale
The edge of sanity

I mean, what the hell?!

If this is a result of waiting for my damned disability determination...well, let's just say that I'm not thinking nice things about the judge right now. If she could feel what it feels like to be me everyday.... If anyone could feel what it feels like to be me everyday...

Until then...just know that it's agony.

As Tom Petty said.. "The waiting is the hardest part
                                    Every day you get one more yard
                                    You take it on faith
                                    You take it to the heart
                                    The waiting is the hardest part"

I'd like to spin the wheel please

That's right folks, it's medication roulette yet again!
Woooo!
I got to see my fabulous shrinkydink this past Thursday and we played some more.
I'm now, finally, on a daily maintenance med for my anxiety as it's gotten so out of freakin hand! We also decided to try halving my Seroquel to hopefully help with the extreme sleepiness.
So far...it hasn't made any noticeable difference but as tomorrow will be my 1st early morning since I've halved it, we shall see how much, if at all, easier it is to get up. If it's not, then I'm going back to the full dose to get the most efficacy for the depression.
But I'm now on twice daily Buspar for my anxiety in addition to my clonazepam. I'm hoping to see a result soon....
I can't wait!
I have had to titrate up and I think tonight will be my 1st full dose.
Let's go effects!

Well...shit.

My brain has gone again.
I haven't the foggiest clue as to what else I was going to write.
Damn it!

Well, this is gonna have to do ya for now.
You're used to this by now right??

The last ditch drug?

I knew there was something else I had forgotten to tell you.

So the last med I was on, the second to last resort, or so I was told, went out the window about a month ago. I'm now on the last one on my fabulous shrinkydink's list.
Latuda (sounds like something my kid would make up) is gone and Seroquel is here.

It's been a few weeks now. The biggest effect noticed thus far has been the extreme sleepiness it induces.
Like 13ish hours of sleep.

I couldn't even take it the night before my hearing because I knew that I never would have been able to wake up in time.

So I've tried to take it earlier and earlier in the evening so that I'm not asleep for my kids' whole morning. It's only kinda working.
On the sleep that is.

I think it's actually making a difference in the depression.

Maybe.

I'm still down, I still have the feelings of hopelessness, despair over everything, my desire to not live like this anymore, but they seem somehow lessened. Like there's a barrier somehow preventing me from getting all the way down.

I'm taking it, for sure. There has definitely been ZERO improvement in the anxiety department unfortunately. Granted, antipsychotics aren't meant to affect anxiety.
Unfortunately.

I'm wondering if my nightly clonazepam needs to be increased. Or maybe I need something else.
Or maybe I just need a padded room.

I see the doc in a couple of weeks. We'll see what comes of that visit.

Overdue...as usual

Anxiety, layoffs, hearings, anxiety, holidays, anxiety.... Oh my!

Let's see here. You're definitely due a big one.

First off, I hope that you had a wonderful holiday season. I wish for you all reading this nothing but the most wonderful possibilities in this new year.

As for catching up..let's see.

It has just come to my attention that I disguise my anxiety rather well. So well in fact that people that have known me for some time (45 minute visits 2-3 times a week at the karate studio) didn't know that I had anxiety.
HA!!!
How'd I manage that??
I wish I could hide it from me!
My meds don't even manage that and I'm on daily maintenance for that purpose! I still have random freakin anxiety attacks probably 3 days out of 5 not to mention the anxiety attacks that actually have an identifiable cause.
It's freakin exhausting! And I can't take meds for all of these attacks either. If I did, I'd end up doped to the gills and my kids need a mom. It's bad enough they're stuck with the broken one they've got, I don't need to make it worse.
So there's that.

Speaking of anxiety, that brings me to my Disability Appeal Hearing. Yes. The hearing was on the 17th of December. I was having some fairly serious anxiety starting the day off so I took a pill on the way to the hearing. We met my lawyer there and proceeded to a room to "prepare" for the hearing where I had to take another pill as my anxiety was rapidly increasing. I mean, this was a cluster fuck if ever there was one. I was in a strange place, with something incredibly important on the line, with strange people-one of which was male who had to sit right next to me, and I had to talk. To a judge! About my complete and total lack of sanity!
Yeah.....I ended up having to take a 3rd dose right there in the room and the judge actually paused the proceedings because I was frickin hysterical.
Yep! Way to hold it together! Keep that composure girl!
I mean, on one hand I see how it could be beneficial for the judge to see me lose it that severely over something as small as sitting in a room with 2 strangers. On the other hand, I can't believe that I came so unglued in front of a judge!
I just couldn't help it. I was totally and completely unable to handle it. Of course, why should I be surprised? I had a full on anxiety attack the other day in the grocery store for whatever known reason. I made the quick trip with a friend.
Oh my god! All of a sudden, for no apparent reason I was shaking, sweating, my heart was racing, my stomach was upset SEVERELY, and I was dizzy.
Full on anxiety attack after spending less than a minute in the same grocery store that I've gone to for 2 years now. But then again, it's because of events like that increasing in frequency that have prevented me from doing the regular shopping, laundry, bank errands, etc. Because I never know when or where some random certifiable spaz out is going to occur.

Yeah.
Fun times!

In other anxiety worthy news, the Hubby got laid off on the 11th. There just wasn't enough work for the company to keep him on. They totally want him back but don't expect to be able to bring him back until May.
May!
So the whole unemployment gig was done only to find out that he won't be getting nearly what he was making (which was barely enough at the time).
At least food stamps and medicaid return. Thankfully. The Husband and I desperately need the medicaid back. His MS needs to be evaluated. He hasn't seen a Neurologist in about 2 years. And then of course there's all my meds and my cardiac stuff.

So....yeah.

Oh! Regarding the disability hearing-the judge asked to see my blog.
Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
Apparently my therapist, way back when, had mentioned my writing in her notes. Course, that was back before the hospital when I had been able to write on my old blog regularly. I told her that I hadn't written on it in about a year (at least) but that I had one now that I write on occasionally. She asked to see both of them. Well...turns out that wasn't such an easy task. My old blog is no longer accessible on the internet. I don't know where it went but it isn't out there in the world anymore. It was being hosted on a friends' co-workers' server but it's not there anymore. So yeah. Bye-bye to all that work...
As for this blog, I printed it all out and turned it in to my lawyer for submission.
When talking to a friend about it yesterday, an interesting point came up.
She said that it was like an invasion of privacy. This blog is very much a journal for me. I don't actually write it for anyone to see, I write it to get it out. I'm not even sure how many people, if any, see this blog. I get no feedback from readers here on the blog and very little feedback from people on the facebook page for it. I have no idea if it reaches 1 person, no people, or 30 people. But in any case, as I write this as a way to express myself, just like a journal, it should not have any bearing on my disability case. It should not be considered in any way. Especially when considering that while I may be able to post things on here, sometimes just getting one quick post up can take me days. And so many things never make it up because I can't bring myself to get them out. Anxiety or inability to focus or complete lack of articulation...all of these play major factors in my ability to write my thoughts out.
So anyway..
That was that.

See...here we go again. My mind has wandered off point and I can't follow through.

Grrrrrr!!!

Well, I'm gonna call it good here.
I'm not sure when I'll hear about the disability. Hopefully soon. The judge had said that the printed blogs could be submitted when she returned to her office on the 2nd of January (yesterday). They were submitted before Christmas (to my knowledge) so hopefully she'll make a decision soon. Goodness knows, if she bases it, as she should, on my ability to handle the proceeding and on my doctor's notes, I'll be approved. Let's hope that she sees that I truly can't handle the big wide world and helps provide our family with that which I can not. At least financially.
Here's to hoping that I don't continue to be as useless as I feel.

Not as mighty as I'd like

"The pen is mightier than the sword"

Not in this case. Especially since I'm staring down the blade of a double edged sword.
I'm stuck with a shitty ass dilemma.
Depression or side effects

Depression or increased irritability (highly unpredictable)
Depression or raging hunger
Depression or potential hyperglycemia (worst case scenario-diabetes [may or may not be reversible])
Depression or occasional headache

The doc told me to try halving the dose that way I'd still (hopefully) get some good effects from it but that the side effects would be decreased but I'm terrified. I can't afford to lose any of the good, even at the expense of the bad. I'm just too scared. I don't wanna go backward. I've had a couple of relatively good days. You can't take it away now.......

Please don't take it away

A good day

I had a pretty good day yesterday.
I still had anxiety. A fair share too since I had to meet with my disability lawyer to prepare for the hearing next month. It went well though. He gave me a good idea of what will transpire, I got to see what my Fabulous Shrinkydink wrote in my favor, and my lawyer Mike and I got to chit chat a little.
Actually, he looked through my history briefly and commented on how impressed he was given how "life has really knocked you around!"

     As a matter of fact, my therapist, just 2 hours prior had commented to me that she was so taken with my "perseverance" through everything that I have had to, and still do, deal with.
  I hope this doesn't come across as bragging. I'm definitely not doing that intentionally. I just have always found it entertaining to make professionals, especially mental health professionals, marvel at the batshit crazy wonder that is me. ;)

     As for the disability hearing, Mike said he feels pretty confident about our case. The only real variable is the judge that was assigned. He has never worked with this judge before. All the intel he has gathered on her reports that she runs around 50% awarding, meaning that she's pretty middle of the road as far as approving and disapproving the claim. That's way better than a few of the judges apparently. There is one that has around a 25% award rate. Yikes!

     Mike was also able to give me a recommendation for a different, less expensive, bankruptcy attorney. Yay! I gave her a call and we spoke today. (Check it out!!!! I made a phone call!! To an unknown person!!! .... YAY!!!!!)
  I have a meeting with her next Tuesday (eeeek) to go over everything. She's about $300 cheaper than the other attorney that we had spoken with. It just kills me how expensive it is to file for bankruptcy.
HELLO?!?
I'm broke!! That's why I'm filing for bankruptcy. How on earth do you expect me to afford to file for bankruptcy?? If I could afford that, I could freakin' pay my bills in the first place!!
Shit!
  For those unaware (I'm hoping that none of you have had to go through this), it will run anywhere from $350ish if you file yourself (scary!) to $3000 for a lawyer. Ours is middle of the road. Equally as important, she was recommended by someone I trust and is already looking out for my best interests.

Anywho... My mind has now wandered so I'm not sure where & how I was going to end this.
So this is the end.

Heard....or is it herd?

I got word the other day that my disability hearing has been scheduled for Tuesday, December 17, 2013.
Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!!

They call it a "hearing". But will I really be heard? Will my medical records be heard? Will they see me?

I guess I'm just terrified that I'll be taken as part of a cookie cutter mold of crazies.
Don't get me wrong - I'm crazy! Well all know this.
But I am my own brand of crazy damn it!
And barring any complete sedation from the drugs I will inevitably have to take to survive just getting there, hopefully the judge will see my own personal flavor of wacko and help out our struggling family.

Thoughts, love, hugs, prayers, juju, vibes....anything ya got, I sure would appreciate it all on December 17th. I'm going to need it.

A Quote to Share...

                Encompass'd with a thousand dangers,
Weary, faint, trembling with a thousand terrors...
I...in a fleshly tomb, am
     Buried above ground.

                 -William Cowper
                     (1731-1800) English poet that wrote the self described "lines written during a period
                       of insanity" after one of his suicide attempts.


This speaks volumes to me....and for me, right now.

Is this moderate or 'write a new text book'?

There's all of this...shit! in my head and I have no idea what to do with it. Not much of it seems to make a whole lot of sense, particularly when considered together.

  One of the big floaters in my brain recently is my total inclination to stop my Lithium and see what happens. I feel like it's not doing anything. I mean, I know it's a mood stabilizer so it's not a true antidepressant, but given the antidepressants I'm on and I'm still depressed, I don't think we're really in need of a mood stabilizer. Why should I take 3 more damn pills (that leave a nasty taste) than I have to? I figure, stop everything and then treat what comes up...
  Which brings me to another point. What is it that's going on anyway? Is this Bipolar? Is this BPD? Is this Major Depressive Disorder?
  What the hell kind of crazy am I?
  I understand that I'm crazy. I'm good with that. Truly. I just want to know what kind of crazy so that we can deal with it better. Cuz the way we're dealing with things now definitely isn't working!! So, to me, it's a natural and reasonable conclusion to draw that we're not dealing with the right things.
 As I mentioned in a previous post, I am incredibly interested in pursuing ECT. I've done quite a bit of research (books, articles, studies, discussions with nurses, etc...) and everything that I have found proves that I'm a good candidate. I have found a local hospital that does it and they work closely with the patient's Psychiatrist for continuity of care which is great. Now, all that remains is to talk to my Psychiatrist. My next appointment, the soonest she had (and they still slipped me in), isn't until Oct. 23rd. It feels like a lifetime away at this point. A lifetime stuck in this....gray. This confusion. This land of unknown. This painless pain.

Lost

Confused
Adrift
Broken
Stuck
Alone

I hate this. I hate this. I'm so damn confused. Nothing seems right. I don't know what I'm doing. What am I doing?

Fuck

There is no "good day" in battle

So I was recently reading a blog I newly discovered and came across a good post entitled "I'm Too Tired to Keep Fighting Bipolar Disorder".
Boy if that isn't the understatement of the year?!
One of the primary things that stood out for me was a line in one of the comments that read (something incredibly close to); they think when I have a good day that it's all over and I'm fine.
Yeah.
That's something I battle with every day. I am fortunate enough to have the opportunity to be in a situation or two, most days, that at least gives the impression of "a good day" or of some improvement at all. It however, is merely that. An impression of something better. I don't have good days anymore. I haven't had a good day in a long time. I get good times. Brief periods, nothing that lasts more than a couple of hours at most. And then it's back to the same feelings of lifelessness, frustration, unhappiness, sadness, constant fatigue, anxiety, feeling like my brain has disconnected because I can't put 3 coherent words together. Then of course there's the irritability. That one is probably my husband's favorite! The poor poor sweet loving man that gets 99% of my wrath from the unpredictable fount of pain and anger.
And still he remains... <3
Not that I'm not grateful for every good second I have. I absolutely am. Every one. But when you get to enjoy yourself and then the very next moment can feel like you'd rather not live, it gets pretty damned difficult to let it truly absorb and have any kind of effect. You may or may not understand that, but it's true. The minute to minute battle wears you right the fuck out. There's just no other way to put it.
So there's my little inside nugget for ya...for whatever it's worth.

Phone calls

Hey, hi, and crazy goes it.

So I made a couple of phone calls Tuesday. One to my Psychiatrist to talk about ECT (I had to leave a message of course) and the other to talk to a bankruptcy lawyer. The lawyer and I have been playing phone tag for a few weeks now. I didn't actually expect her to answer so when she did, my already present anxiety shot through the roof.
You'd think I'd actually be prepared to talk to a person when I make a phone call huh?!
Yeah...that would be too easy.
So this lawyer, that I get a good feeling from, said that we're very good candidates for Chapter 7 bankruptcy. And from what she says, it'll better our credit, especially the hubby's, almost immediately. Granted, there will still be a bankruptcy on there, but the debt to income ratio will be better. So that's good.
Course, since it's me, I have to make it difficult. I know it's a good idea and will be beneficial as we have a bunch of medical debt that we're unable to pay (yes, it's all mine). But I also know that we're going to be incurring more in the not so distant future. My pacemaker is 8 years old and due for a replacement more than likely within the next 6 months. Maybe 8. As well as the costs of the not-so-cheap ECT if it turns out I'm a candidate for it. So yeah, it'll help us out 6 months from now (when we finish paying the lawyer's fee) but then where are we at afterward and we're still accruing more debt?
I don't know.
Yeah, yeah, I know. Don't worry about things that haven't even happened yet. Don't stress out over the future. Don't invite more pain/stress/anxiety into your life than is already present.
I know all that stuff.
I still have to think about the future though. I have to have these things in mind when making major life changing decisions. We have kids effected here...
Anyway.
Those were my fun and exciting, oh-my-god-I-have-to-take-a-pill-cuz-I'm-freaking-out, events on Tuesday.
What'd you do last Tuesday??  ;)

Me? Resistant??

You must be thinking of someone else!!
Well, you may be, but I unfortunately am not.

Treatment Resistant Depression. 3 words I've been reading a bit about recently in my own little quest for the answer to "Well now what the hell do we try?". I mean really. I'm on my 3rd antidepressant this year. Not counting my other meds of course. There's a whole class of antidepressants that are off limits since I've had the same reaction to 2 of them (I've gotten lock jaw from both Paxil and Zoloft [which I had been on successfully for years before retrying it]). No more SSRI's (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) for me.
Remeron, an SNRI (Serotonin Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitor), made me gain 10lbs. in 9 days... That was a regular blast!
Wellbutrin, which affects both dopamine and norepinephrine, made me lose 30lbs. in about 2 months. Talk about a good time there! Not really. It's not nearly as fun as it sounds. It was horrible.
Effexor came next, which is also an SNRI, but that didn't bring my appetite back nor did it do anything for the depression so...
Now we're onto Cymbalta, another SNRI. Still no appetite really but no weight loss either. I thought that it was boosting my mood but now I'm less sure. It also may be increasing my anxiety. All of this together with the fact that I'm on Lithium (a mood stabilizer), Trazodone (another SNRI), and Clonazepam (a Benzo).
And yes, I'm still depressed.
It's not that I want to die. I don't. I'm not planning on killing myself! Put the phone down, relax, I'm safe. But I really don't particularly want to be alive either. Living through all of the shit that we've been through in the past year and a half has kinda brought me to a place that I just don't wanna do it anymore. Not that that's stopped us from getting more shit just piled on and on... That may or may not make any sense to you but it's the best way I can describe it.
I haven't done therapy more than a few times this year really. Not for lack of interest or desire but lack of childcare. In the meantime, I was forced to choose between my therapist and my Psychiatrist. I refused at first but I have since chosen to stick with my Psychiatrist and get a new therapist. I have yet to see her and by now, I'm not all that interested in it. It's just one more damn thing I have to work in and deal with. And I've been doing my best to utilize the stress management techniques I know but that hasn't gotten me anywhere. Honestly, at this point, I'm ready to ask my Psych about ECT, what most of you know as shock therapy or shock treatments. It's still widely used as it's been refined from what it started out as. It's used today for Treatment Resistant Depression (there are those 3 words again!). And I must say, after doing the reading, I'm not appalled or turned off. I mean hell, my memory is already turning to shit so I've got that already. Granted, the thought of losing any memories of the kids sure does make me hesitate, but it's not a definite no. Course, I don't even know that I'm a candidate. I don't know if I've led the resistance long enough or if I need to go all Sarah Connor style. Then there's always my pacemaker to consider. Cuz you know, it's always something with me! If it's not the ever-malfunctioning heart, it's the totally fucked up brain. Wooo! Partay!
So that's where I'm at. Ready to stick my finger in a light socket to get a little relief. LOL (Oh it was funny, come on!)
A little insight maybe? A little education maybe? A little "I feel so much better about my life now!" maybe??
Whatever I can do to help!