Overdue...as usual

Anxiety, layoffs, hearings, anxiety, holidays, anxiety.... Oh my!

Let's see here. You're definitely due a big one.

First off, I hope that you had a wonderful holiday season. I wish for you all reading this nothing but the most wonderful possibilities in this new year.

As for catching up..let's see.

It has just come to my attention that I disguise my anxiety rather well. So well in fact that people that have known me for some time (45 minute visits 2-3 times a week at the karate studio) didn't know that I had anxiety.
HA!!!
How'd I manage that??
I wish I could hide it from me!
My meds don't even manage that and I'm on daily maintenance for that purpose! I still have random freakin anxiety attacks probably 3 days out of 5 not to mention the anxiety attacks that actually have an identifiable cause.
It's freakin exhausting! And I can't take meds for all of these attacks either. If I did, I'd end up doped to the gills and my kids need a mom. It's bad enough they're stuck with the broken one they've got, I don't need to make it worse.
So there's that.

Speaking of anxiety, that brings me to my Disability Appeal Hearing. Yes. The hearing was on the 17th of December. I was having some fairly serious anxiety starting the day off so I took a pill on the way to the hearing. We met my lawyer there and proceeded to a room to "prepare" for the hearing where I had to take another pill as my anxiety was rapidly increasing. I mean, this was a cluster fuck if ever there was one. I was in a strange place, with something incredibly important on the line, with strange people-one of which was male who had to sit right next to me, and I had to talk. To a judge! About my complete and total lack of sanity!
Yeah.....I ended up having to take a 3rd dose right there in the room and the judge actually paused the proceedings because I was frickin hysterical.
Yep! Way to hold it together! Keep that composure girl!
I mean, on one hand I see how it could be beneficial for the judge to see me lose it that severely over something as small as sitting in a room with 2 strangers. On the other hand, I can't believe that I came so unglued in front of a judge!
I just couldn't help it. I was totally and completely unable to handle it. Of course, why should I be surprised? I had a full on anxiety attack the other day in the grocery store for whatever known reason. I made the quick trip with a friend.
Oh my god! All of a sudden, for no apparent reason I was shaking, sweating, my heart was racing, my stomach was upset SEVERELY, and I was dizzy.
Full on anxiety attack after spending less than a minute in the same grocery store that I've gone to for 2 years now. But then again, it's because of events like that increasing in frequency that have prevented me from doing the regular shopping, laundry, bank errands, etc. Because I never know when or where some random certifiable spaz out is going to occur.

Yeah.
Fun times!

In other anxiety worthy news, the Hubby got laid off on the 11th. There just wasn't enough work for the company to keep him on. They totally want him back but don't expect to be able to bring him back until May.
May!
So the whole unemployment gig was done only to find out that he won't be getting nearly what he was making (which was barely enough at the time).
At least food stamps and medicaid return. Thankfully. The Husband and I desperately need the medicaid back. His MS needs to be evaluated. He hasn't seen a Neurologist in about 2 years. And then of course there's all my meds and my cardiac stuff.

So....yeah.

Oh! Regarding the disability hearing-the judge asked to see my blog.
Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
Apparently my therapist, way back when, had mentioned my writing in her notes. Course, that was back before the hospital when I had been able to write on my old blog regularly. I told her that I hadn't written on it in about a year (at least) but that I had one now that I write on occasionally. She asked to see both of them. Well...turns out that wasn't such an easy task. My old blog is no longer accessible on the internet. I don't know where it went but it isn't out there in the world anymore. It was being hosted on a friends' co-workers' server but it's not there anymore. So yeah. Bye-bye to all that work...
As for this blog, I printed it all out and turned it in to my lawyer for submission.
When talking to a friend about it yesterday, an interesting point came up.
She said that it was like an invasion of privacy. This blog is very much a journal for me. I don't actually write it for anyone to see, I write it to get it out. I'm not even sure how many people, if any, see this blog. I get no feedback from readers here on the blog and very little feedback from people on the facebook page for it. I have no idea if it reaches 1 person, no people, or 30 people. But in any case, as I write this as a way to express myself, just like a journal, it should not have any bearing on my disability case. It should not be considered in any way. Especially when considering that while I may be able to post things on here, sometimes just getting one quick post up can take me days. And so many things never make it up because I can't bring myself to get them out. Anxiety or inability to focus or complete lack of articulation...all of these play major factors in my ability to write my thoughts out.
So anyway..
That was that.

See...here we go again. My mind has wandered off point and I can't follow through.

Grrrrrr!!!

Well, I'm gonna call it good here.
I'm not sure when I'll hear about the disability. Hopefully soon. The judge had said that the printed blogs could be submitted when she returned to her office on the 2nd of January (yesterday). They were submitted before Christmas (to my knowledge) so hopefully she'll make a decision soon. Goodness knows, if she bases it, as she should, on my ability to handle the proceeding and on my doctor's notes, I'll be approved. Let's hope that she sees that I truly can't handle the big wide world and helps provide our family with that which I can not. At least financially.
Here's to hoping that I don't continue to be as useless as I feel.

Some Reading Materials

And now I bring to you a book list.
One or two that I've read, one or two that I'm currently navigating, and a couple that I am going to be cracking soon.
You may get a common theme. Let's get started.

  I recently made my way through Carrie Fisher's Wishful Drinking. Talk about a crack up. It was brief, mildly informative, and laugh out loud funny. Not to mention you get that reality-tv-kind-of-hollywood-dish entertainment. It was her 1st memoir (she came out with a 2nd in 2011 that I will be getting from the library called Shockaholic).
Ok.
  I am currently, although very slowly, reading Dan Millman's Way of The Peaceful Warrior. It has been hard for me to focus lately but so far I am absolutely enjoying it. The husband has read it and loved it.
  I am also, somewhat begrudgingly, getting through Linda Andre's Doctors of Deception   What They Don't Want You To Know About Shock Treatment. I was hoping this book would be more informative. Instead, it's just an angry bitter woman being as negative as possible and using other people's negative experiences and past research to slam ECT. If you're looking for a resource to talk yourself or someone else out of ECT, this is the book for you!
  The Body Remembers Casebook by Babette Rothschild is also one that I am trying to read/skim/glean information from at a very slow pace. This one was a recommendation from a former therapist. It's designed more for practitioners but she knew it would be appropriate for me. This volume is about treatments for PTSD and trauma.
  I have made it about 1/2 way through, although certainly not any time recently, a book I highly recommend called I Hate You-Don't Leave Me   Understanding The Borderline Personality by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD, and Hal Strauss. This was originally published in 1989 and was so phenomenally written that it went through an update and revision in 2010. It is still a prominent resource for clinicians and highly popular with patients. It was written so that the clinician, the patient and the friend/family could all successfully learn from it. It's incredibly interesting even if you or someone you know doesn't have BPD. It'll have you looking at people in a new light.
  Speaking of Dr. Kreisman and Mr. Strauss, I have, but have not yet delved into another of theirs by the name of Sometimes I Act Crazy   Living With Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm interested to see what this one will offer additionally.
  My recent library trip also yielded The Tapping Cure by Roberta Temes, PhD. This is a technique that a former therapist taught me that seemed to help me for a while. The same therapist that recommended The Body Remembers Casebook that I was seeing prior to my breakdown last year. No, I have no idea what that has anything to do with squat, but out of my wacked out brain it came. Just for you! Woo hoo!
Moving on...
  The library also sent me home with (like a teacher with homework or something) Living With Someone Who's Living With Bipolar Disorder by Chelsea Lowe and Bruce M. Cohen, MD, PhD. Husband says it's good so far. He's read through chapter 2 but has also skipped to a couple of specific sections, 1 on ECT.
  I have 2 books that just came in to the library that are waiting for pick up. One is Shock: The Healing Power of Electroconvulsive Therapy by Kitty Dukakis and Larry Tye. I'm looking forward to this one being educational and informative. The other is Night Falls Fast   Understanding Suicide by Kay Redfield Jamison. She also wrote one of the books that actually changed my life, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods And Madness. She is a leading resource on Bipolar being a clinical psychologist that has suffered with it for years.

So there you go. Some great reads on the subject of the shit that can go funk'd in our brains, and certainly has mine, and how to deal with it.
Enjoy!

It's been a while...

It's been a while, dear readers, since I've come to you with my wannabe witty repartee. So very many things have happened in life. Illness, death, decent into depression (again), growth, exciting opportunities, ongoing ethics investigations, you name it.

Between medication changes, medication toxicities (cardiologist's bad) and medication screw ups (my bad), my body is frickin exhausted! I'm still trying to recover from my med mess up a week ago. **Helpful hint for the day--Don't accidentally take your night time meds in the morning! NOT a good thing. Nor is it an easy thing to bounce back from...

Now on to a concise(ish) clue-in:

My sweet husband had to say goodbye to a longtime friend last month who died of a heart attack at the age of 36. I don't recall who said it but one of us or our friends very accurately stated, "We're too young to be having friends die of heart attacks."

PTSD has been rearing it's really fuckin' ugly head lately by letting me have the joy of an almost constant barrage of horrible memories. Yay! Many of them being memories that I had worked on, and successfully so until now, with 2 sessions of EMDR a couple years ago. I've tried one of the techniques I learned to try to help decrease these really crummy memories but I've yet to succeed.
The thoughts I've been so fortunate to be graced with again are some of the many from my rape in 2007. Thankfully, to date, I don't remember the actual action but I do remember everything that transpired once I woke up from the drug induced sleep. And hey, how lucky for me that I happened across the letter from the D.A.'s office telling me that they had dropped the case due to insufficient evidence just the other day. (They dropped the case about 2 years ago now but it was found while I searched for something else)
-If there's anyone that would like to talk on this subject, please feel free to email me at blatantbonnie@hotmail.com

We've struggled with our sweet little girl being sick time and again since March. Croup, Respiratory Infections, "Reactive Airway" which was finally just flat out called Asthma recently. Her providers agreed with us that our old nasty ass "crack shack" cat urine saturated apartment carpet was most likely a very large contributing factor and wrote a note stating such. Well, we prepared for a battle with management but didn't have one. They acquiesced, rather quickly as a matter of fact, and we have brand new carpet and padding in our apartment. The rejoicing was done in tears and never ending smiles. So far no new illness for the littl'n but it's only been a month. We're hoping for the best but still ready for what we've gotten used to which is lots of chest x-rays, steroids and breathing treatments.
And speaking of the little gorgeous one, we are thrilled to report that she is currently attending a Gifted Private School in their Pre-K class. She's in real school, not just some preschool. She has Spanish class twice a week, she's writing her name beautifully, and she seems to be a shining star in her wonderful teacher's eye. It's an absolute joy watching her in class. The learning environment is exceptional and absolutely a dream come true. This school fits our littl'n in every way. Who she is as a person and how she learns. It's more wonderful than I can express. :)
So Yay there!!

All the medical records have finally been completed and submitted to Social Security for my appeal. We were informed a month or so ago that my case is up to be scheduled with a judge so now it's just a waiting game... Oh the joy. The rapture. The exquisite bliss..... *barf*
I was told that the last questionnaires that were submitted by my therapist and Psychiatrist were favorable for me which is good but I'm still totally freaking out about the whole thing. 1st off, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GO TO COURT!!!!!! Holy frickin crap! And talk to a judge!! Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait to have this done and over with!

I'm still waiting to hear about the ethics investigation on the 1st lawyer I had for my disability case. Call me crazy (HA!) but I had an issue with them filing motions on my behalf without my knowledge or consent. It was helpful that they filed my appeal for me but after I had told them multiple times that I was terminating our 'relationship' and would file the appeal myself.... Yeah. Not amused. So I filed a complaint with the Office of Lawyers Professional Responsibility which turned into an investigation by the Ethics Investigator. And yet again...we're in a waiting game.
Wooo!

~Deep Breath~

There's soo much more but I'm thinkin' that oughta do it for now.
I'll let you recover from that disturbing discharge of data before I bombard you with the sickening surplus.
Damn! I love alliteration! ;)

Let's begin properly, shall we?

My name is Melissa. I am an orphan, a multiple trauma victim, an ex-wife, and a karate mom.

I also have, in no particular order, Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and Anxiety. Major Depressive Disorder is also on several lists, but as it's a component of the Bipolar, I don't see much point.

This blog is about me and what it's like to live. You'll read about my family, about my past, and about my present. This blog is about a few things for me. About trying desperately to get back to the 'old me' that could complete coherent thoughts and articulate myself. That part of me has been referred to in the past tense for over half a year. I feel like it might actually be returning, thanks to my wonderful medications, and my desire to stimulate and utilize is great.
It's also about catharsis. Being a kind of assistant to my therapist, if you will.
The last aspect is not a defined goal, but would be a bonus. The possibility of helping anyone else. Whether that be someone else living with any one of the above diseases, someone who knows someone who lives with them, or anyone that wants a first hand look at life with these diseases. Maybe some insight, some wisdom gleaned from experience, or maybe just the opportunity to laugh with a fellow human as they transcribe their daily tribulations in their own crazy world.

Which brings me to a warning of sorts.
I use the words Crazy and Insane frequently. Not as derogatives. It's just one of my ways of laughing at the absurdity of the situation. I need to make light of it all. That's just how I roll.

So there you have the intro.

Welcome to the delirium!