Overdue...as usual

Anxiety, layoffs, hearings, anxiety, holidays, anxiety.... Oh my!

Let's see here. You're definitely due a big one.

First off, I hope that you had a wonderful holiday season. I wish for you all reading this nothing but the most wonderful possibilities in this new year.

As for catching up..let's see.

It has just come to my attention that I disguise my anxiety rather well. So well in fact that people that have known me for some time (45 minute visits 2-3 times a week at the karate studio) didn't know that I had anxiety.
HA!!!
How'd I manage that??
I wish I could hide it from me!
My meds don't even manage that and I'm on daily maintenance for that purpose! I still have random freakin anxiety attacks probably 3 days out of 5 not to mention the anxiety attacks that actually have an identifiable cause.
It's freakin exhausting! And I can't take meds for all of these attacks either. If I did, I'd end up doped to the gills and my kids need a mom. It's bad enough they're stuck with the broken one they've got, I don't need to make it worse.
So there's that.

Speaking of anxiety, that brings me to my Disability Appeal Hearing. Yes. The hearing was on the 17th of December. I was having some fairly serious anxiety starting the day off so I took a pill on the way to the hearing. We met my lawyer there and proceeded to a room to "prepare" for the hearing where I had to take another pill as my anxiety was rapidly increasing. I mean, this was a cluster fuck if ever there was one. I was in a strange place, with something incredibly important on the line, with strange people-one of which was male who had to sit right next to me, and I had to talk. To a judge! About my complete and total lack of sanity!
Yeah.....I ended up having to take a 3rd dose right there in the room and the judge actually paused the proceedings because I was frickin hysterical.
Yep! Way to hold it together! Keep that composure girl!
I mean, on one hand I see how it could be beneficial for the judge to see me lose it that severely over something as small as sitting in a room with 2 strangers. On the other hand, I can't believe that I came so unglued in front of a judge!
I just couldn't help it. I was totally and completely unable to handle it. Of course, why should I be surprised? I had a full on anxiety attack the other day in the grocery store for whatever known reason. I made the quick trip with a friend.
Oh my god! All of a sudden, for no apparent reason I was shaking, sweating, my heart was racing, my stomach was upset SEVERELY, and I was dizzy.
Full on anxiety attack after spending less than a minute in the same grocery store that I've gone to for 2 years now. But then again, it's because of events like that increasing in frequency that have prevented me from doing the regular shopping, laundry, bank errands, etc. Because I never know when or where some random certifiable spaz out is going to occur.

Yeah.
Fun times!

In other anxiety worthy news, the Hubby got laid off on the 11th. There just wasn't enough work for the company to keep him on. They totally want him back but don't expect to be able to bring him back until May.
May!
So the whole unemployment gig was done only to find out that he won't be getting nearly what he was making (which was barely enough at the time).
At least food stamps and medicaid return. Thankfully. The Husband and I desperately need the medicaid back. His MS needs to be evaluated. He hasn't seen a Neurologist in about 2 years. And then of course there's all my meds and my cardiac stuff.

So....yeah.

Oh! Regarding the disability hearing-the judge asked to see my blog.
Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
Apparently my therapist, way back when, had mentioned my writing in her notes. Course, that was back before the hospital when I had been able to write on my old blog regularly. I told her that I hadn't written on it in about a year (at least) but that I had one now that I write on occasionally. She asked to see both of them. Well...turns out that wasn't such an easy task. My old blog is no longer accessible on the internet. I don't know where it went but it isn't out there in the world anymore. It was being hosted on a friends' co-workers' server but it's not there anymore. So yeah. Bye-bye to all that work...
As for this blog, I printed it all out and turned it in to my lawyer for submission.
When talking to a friend about it yesterday, an interesting point came up.
She said that it was like an invasion of privacy. This blog is very much a journal for me. I don't actually write it for anyone to see, I write it to get it out. I'm not even sure how many people, if any, see this blog. I get no feedback from readers here on the blog and very little feedback from people on the facebook page for it. I have no idea if it reaches 1 person, no people, or 30 people. But in any case, as I write this as a way to express myself, just like a journal, it should not have any bearing on my disability case. It should not be considered in any way. Especially when considering that while I may be able to post things on here, sometimes just getting one quick post up can take me days. And so many things never make it up because I can't bring myself to get them out. Anxiety or inability to focus or complete lack of articulation...all of these play major factors in my ability to write my thoughts out.
So anyway..
That was that.

See...here we go again. My mind has wandered off point and I can't follow through.

Grrrrrr!!!

Well, I'm gonna call it good here.
I'm not sure when I'll hear about the disability. Hopefully soon. The judge had said that the printed blogs could be submitted when she returned to her office on the 2nd of January (yesterday). They were submitted before Christmas (to my knowledge) so hopefully she'll make a decision soon. Goodness knows, if she bases it, as she should, on my ability to handle the proceeding and on my doctor's notes, I'll be approved. Let's hope that she sees that I truly can't handle the big wide world and helps provide our family with that which I can not. At least financially.
Here's to hoping that I don't continue to be as useless as I feel.

A good day

I had a pretty good day yesterday.
I still had anxiety. A fair share too since I had to meet with my disability lawyer to prepare for the hearing next month. It went well though. He gave me a good idea of what will transpire, I got to see what my Fabulous Shrinkydink wrote in my favor, and my lawyer Mike and I got to chit chat a little.
Actually, he looked through my history briefly and commented on how impressed he was given how "life has really knocked you around!"

     As a matter of fact, my therapist, just 2 hours prior had commented to me that she was so taken with my "perseverance" through everything that I have had to, and still do, deal with.
  I hope this doesn't come across as bragging. I'm definitely not doing that intentionally. I just have always found it entertaining to make professionals, especially mental health professionals, marvel at the batshit crazy wonder that is me. ;)

     As for the disability hearing, Mike said he feels pretty confident about our case. The only real variable is the judge that was assigned. He has never worked with this judge before. All the intel he has gathered on her reports that she runs around 50% awarding, meaning that she's pretty middle of the road as far as approving and disapproving the claim. That's way better than a few of the judges apparently. There is one that has around a 25% award rate. Yikes!

     Mike was also able to give me a recommendation for a different, less expensive, bankruptcy attorney. Yay! I gave her a call and we spoke today. (Check it out!!!! I made a phone call!! To an unknown person!!! .... YAY!!!!!)
  I have a meeting with her next Tuesday (eeeek) to go over everything. She's about $300 cheaper than the other attorney that we had spoken with. It just kills me how expensive it is to file for bankruptcy.
HELLO?!?
I'm broke!! That's why I'm filing for bankruptcy. How on earth do you expect me to afford to file for bankruptcy?? If I could afford that, I could freakin' pay my bills in the first place!!
Shit!
  For those unaware (I'm hoping that none of you have had to go through this), it will run anywhere from $350ish if you file yourself (scary!) to $3000 for a lawyer. Ours is middle of the road. Equally as important, she was recommended by someone I trust and is already looking out for my best interests.

Anywho... My mind has now wandered so I'm not sure where & how I was going to end this.
So this is the end.

Phone calls

Hey, hi, and crazy goes it.

So I made a couple of phone calls Tuesday. One to my Psychiatrist to talk about ECT (I had to leave a message of course) and the other to talk to a bankruptcy lawyer. The lawyer and I have been playing phone tag for a few weeks now. I didn't actually expect her to answer so when she did, my already present anxiety shot through the roof.
You'd think I'd actually be prepared to talk to a person when I make a phone call huh?!
Yeah...that would be too easy.
So this lawyer, that I get a good feeling from, said that we're very good candidates for Chapter 7 bankruptcy. And from what she says, it'll better our credit, especially the hubby's, almost immediately. Granted, there will still be a bankruptcy on there, but the debt to income ratio will be better. So that's good.
Course, since it's me, I have to make it difficult. I know it's a good idea and will be beneficial as we have a bunch of medical debt that we're unable to pay (yes, it's all mine). But I also know that we're going to be incurring more in the not so distant future. My pacemaker is 8 years old and due for a replacement more than likely within the next 6 months. Maybe 8. As well as the costs of the not-so-cheap ECT if it turns out I'm a candidate for it. So yeah, it'll help us out 6 months from now (when we finish paying the lawyer's fee) but then where are we at afterward and we're still accruing more debt?
I don't know.
Yeah, yeah, I know. Don't worry about things that haven't even happened yet. Don't stress out over the future. Don't invite more pain/stress/anxiety into your life than is already present.
I know all that stuff.
I still have to think about the future though. I have to have these things in mind when making major life changing decisions. We have kids effected here...
Anyway.
Those were my fun and exciting, oh-my-god-I-have-to-take-a-pill-cuz-I'm-freaking-out, events on Tuesday.
What'd you do last Tuesday??  ;)