Tuesday, January 21, 2014

More squeeze please?

No thanks, I've got plenty!!

I've had a constant pressure in my chest and feeling of apprehension for the last week or so.
Do you have any idea what that feels like? Anybody?

It's only actually gone away a couple of times and only for a very short time. The rest of the time it is constant with fairly frequent increases for no damned apparent reason.

I'm getting anxious texting a friend. I'm getting anxious sitting on my couch watching a movie, I'm getting anxious getting dressed, I'm getting anxious opening my computer, I'm getting anxious getting into bed.


I think I may have slipped right off the edge.

The edge of reason
The edge of rationale
The edge of sanity

I mean, what the hell?!

If this is a result of waiting for my damned disability determination...well, let's just say that I'm not thinking nice things about the judge right now. If she could feel what it feels like to be me everyday.... If anyone could feel what it feels like to be me everyday...

Until then...just know that it's agony.

As Tom Petty said.. "The waiting is the hardest part
                                    Every day you get one more yard
                                    You take it on faith
                                    You take it to the heart
                                    The waiting is the hardest part"

Monday, January 20, 2014

I'd like to spin the wheel please

That's right folks, it's medication roulette yet again!
I got to see my fabulous shrinkydink this past Thursday and we played some more.
I'm now, finally, on a daily maintenance med for my anxiety as it's gotten so out of freakin hand! We also decided to try halving my Seroquel to hopefully help with the extreme sleepiness.
So far...it hasn't made any noticeable difference but as tomorrow will be my 1st early morning since I've halved it, we shall see how much, if at all, easier it is to get up. If it's not, then I'm going back to the full dose to get the most efficacy for the depression.
But I'm now on twice daily Buspar for my anxiety in addition to my clonazepam. I'm hoping to see a result soon....
I can't wait!
I have had to titrate up and I think tonight will be my 1st full dose.
Let's go effects!


My brain has gone again.
I haven't the foggiest clue as to what else I was going to write.
Damn it!

Well, this is gonna have to do ya for now.
You're used to this by now right??

Friday, January 3, 2014

The last ditch drug?

I knew there was something else I had forgotten to tell you.

So the last med I was on, the second to last resort, or so I was told, went out the window about a month ago. I'm now on the last one on my fabulous shrinkydink's list.
Latuda (sounds like something my kid would make up) is gone and Seroquel is here.

It's been a few weeks now. The biggest effect noticed thus far has been the extreme sleepiness it induces.
Like 13ish hours of sleep.

I couldn't even take it the night before my hearing because I knew that I never would have been able to wake up in time.

So I've tried to take it earlier and earlier in the evening so that I'm not asleep for my kids' whole morning. It's only kinda working.
On the sleep that is.

I think it's actually making a difference in the depression.


I'm still down, I still have the feelings of hopelessness, despair over everything, my desire to not live like this anymore, but they seem somehow lessened. Like there's a barrier somehow preventing me from getting all the way down.

I'm taking it, for sure. There has definitely been ZERO improvement in the anxiety department unfortunately. Granted, antipsychotics aren't meant to affect anxiety.

I'm wondering if my nightly clonazepam needs to be increased. Or maybe I need something else.
Or maybe I just need a padded room.

I see the doc in a couple of weeks. We'll see what comes of that visit.

Overdue...as usual

Anxiety, layoffs, hearings, anxiety, holidays, anxiety.... Oh my!

Let's see here. You're definitely due a big one.

First off, I hope that you had a wonderful holiday season. I wish for you all reading this nothing but the most wonderful possibilities in this new year.

As for catching up..let's see.

It has just come to my attention that I disguise my anxiety rather well. So well in fact that people that have known me for some time (45 minute visits 2-3 times a week at the karate studio) didn't know that I had anxiety.
How'd I manage that??
I wish I could hide it from me!
My meds don't even manage that and I'm on daily maintenance for that purpose! I still have random freakin anxiety attacks probably 3 days out of 5 not to mention the anxiety attacks that actually have an identifiable cause.
It's freakin exhausting! And I can't take meds for all of these attacks either. If I did, I'd end up doped to the gills and my kids need a mom. It's bad enough they're stuck with the broken one they've got, I don't need to make it worse.
So there's that.

Speaking of anxiety, that brings me to my Disability Appeal Hearing. Yes. The hearing was on the 17th of December. I was having some fairly serious anxiety starting the day off so I took a pill on the way to the hearing. We met my lawyer there and proceeded to a room to "prepare" for the hearing where I had to take another pill as my anxiety was rapidly increasing. I mean, this was a cluster fuck if ever there was one. I was in a strange place, with something incredibly important on the line, with strange people-one of which was male who had to sit right next to me, and I had to talk. To a judge! About my complete and total lack of sanity!
Yeah.....I ended up having to take a 3rd dose right there in the room and the judge actually paused the proceedings because I was frickin hysterical.
Yep! Way to hold it together! Keep that composure girl!
I mean, on one hand I see how it could be beneficial for the judge to see me lose it that severely over something as small as sitting in a room with 2 strangers. On the other hand, I can't believe that I came so unglued in front of a judge!
I just couldn't help it. I was totally and completely unable to handle it. Of course, why should I be surprised? I had a full on anxiety attack the other day in the grocery store for whatever known reason. I made the quick trip with a friend.
Oh my god! All of a sudden, for no apparent reason I was shaking, sweating, my heart was racing, my stomach was upset SEVERELY, and I was dizzy.
Full on anxiety attack after spending less than a minute in the same grocery store that I've gone to for 2 years now. But then again, it's because of events like that increasing in frequency that have prevented me from doing the regular shopping, laundry, bank errands, etc. Because I never know when or where some random certifiable spaz out is going to occur.

Fun times!

In other anxiety worthy news, the Hubby got laid off on the 11th. There just wasn't enough work for the company to keep him on. They totally want him back but don't expect to be able to bring him back until May.
So the whole unemployment gig was done only to find out that he won't be getting nearly what he was making (which was barely enough at the time).
At least food stamps and medicaid return. Thankfully. The Husband and I desperately need the medicaid back. His MS needs to be evaluated. He hasn't seen a Neurologist in about 2 years. And then of course there's all my meds and my cardiac stuff.


Oh! Regarding the disability hearing-the judge asked to see my blog.
Apparently my therapist, way back when, had mentioned my writing in her notes. Course, that was back before the hospital when I had been able to write on my old blog regularly. I told her that I hadn't written on it in about a year (at least) but that I had one now that I write on occasionally. She asked to see both of them. Well...turns out that wasn't such an easy task. My old blog is no longer accessible on the internet. I don't know where it went but it isn't out there in the world anymore. It was being hosted on a friends' co-workers' server but it's not there anymore. So yeah. Bye-bye to all that work...
As for this blog, I printed it all out and turned it in to my lawyer for submission.
When talking to a friend about it yesterday, an interesting point came up.
She said that it was like an invasion of privacy. This blog is very much a journal for me. I don't actually write it for anyone to see, I write it to get it out. I'm not even sure how many people, if any, see this blog. I get no feedback from readers here on the blog and very little feedback from people on the facebook page for it. I have no idea if it reaches 1 person, no people, or 30 people. But in any case, as I write this as a way to express myself, just like a journal, it should not have any bearing on my disability case. It should not be considered in any way. Especially when considering that while I may be able to post things on here, sometimes just getting one quick post up can take me days. And so many things never make it up because I can't bring myself to get them out. Anxiety or inability to focus or complete lack of articulation...all of these play major factors in my ability to write my thoughts out.
So anyway..
That was that.

See...here we go again. My mind has wandered off point and I can't follow through.


Well, I'm gonna call it good here.
I'm not sure when I'll hear about the disability. Hopefully soon. The judge had said that the printed blogs could be submitted when she returned to her office on the 2nd of January (yesterday). They were submitted before Christmas (to my knowledge) so hopefully she'll make a decision soon. Goodness knows, if she bases it, as she should, on my ability to handle the proceeding and on my doctor's notes, I'll be approved. Let's hope that she sees that I truly can't handle the big wide world and helps provide our family with that which I can not. At least financially.
Here's to hoping that I don't continue to be as useless as I feel.