Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Me? Resistant??

You must be thinking of someone else!!
Well, you may be, but I unfortunately am not.

Treatment Resistant Depression. 3 words I've been reading a bit about recently in my own little quest for the answer to "Well now what the hell do we try?". I mean really. I'm on my 3rd antidepressant this year. Not counting my other meds of course. There's a whole class of antidepressants that are off limits since I've had the same reaction to 2 of them (I've gotten lock jaw from both Paxil and Zoloft [which I had been on successfully for years before retrying it]). No more SSRI's (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) for me.
Remeron, an SNRI (Serotonin Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitor), made me gain 10lbs. in 9 days... That was a regular blast!
Wellbutrin, which affects both dopamine and norepinephrine, made me lose 30lbs. in about 2 months. Talk about a good time there! Not really. It's not nearly as fun as it sounds. It was horrible.
Effexor came next, which is also an SNRI, but that didn't bring my appetite back nor did it do anything for the depression so...
Now we're onto Cymbalta, another SNRI. Still no appetite really but no weight loss either. I thought that it was boosting my mood but now I'm less sure. It also may be increasing my anxiety. All of this together with the fact that I'm on Lithium (a mood stabilizer), Trazodone (another SNRI), and Clonazepam (a Benzo).
And yes, I'm still depressed.
It's not that I want to die. I don't. I'm not planning on killing myself! Put the phone down, relax, I'm safe. But I really don't particularly want to be alive either. Living through all of the shit that we've been through in the past year and a half has kinda brought me to a place that I just don't wanna do it anymore. Not that that's stopped us from getting more shit just piled on and on... That may or may not make any sense to you but it's the best way I can describe it.
I haven't done therapy more than a few times this year really. Not for lack of interest or desire but lack of childcare. In the meantime, I was forced to choose between my therapist and my Psychiatrist. I refused at first but I have since chosen to stick with my Psychiatrist and get a new therapist. I have yet to see her and by now, I'm not all that interested in it. It's just one more damn thing I have to work in and deal with. And I've been doing my best to utilize the stress management techniques I know but that hasn't gotten me anywhere. Honestly, at this point, I'm ready to ask my Psych about ECT, what most of you know as shock therapy or shock treatments. It's still widely used as it's been refined from what it started out as. It's used today for Treatment Resistant Depression (there are those 3 words again!). And I must say, after doing the reading, I'm not appalled or turned off. I mean hell, my memory is already turning to shit so I've got that already. Granted, the thought of losing any memories of the kids sure does make me hesitate, but it's not a definite no. Course, I don't even know that I'm a candidate. I don't know if I've led the resistance long enough or if I need to go all Sarah Connor style. Then there's always my pacemaker to consider. Cuz you know, it's always something with me! If it's not the ever-malfunctioning heart, it's the totally fucked up brain. Wooo! Partay!
So that's where I'm at. Ready to stick my finger in a light socket to get a little relief. LOL (Oh it was funny, come on!)
A little insight maybe? A little education maybe? A little "I feel so much better about my life now!" maybe??
Whatever I can do to help!

Monday, September 23, 2013

Conglomeration of Crap

And a fine evening to you! I hope that you're not feeling anywhere near as overwhelmed or clueless or helpless as I am. Every thought I can spare is sent your way with love and goodness because I desperately hope that not everyone is going through the mucky trenches that we are.
I'll warn you now; this is going to be a dump fest. I'm just going to throw it all out there in hopes that it will help me feel just a teeny bit of relief. I need to get it (it being the ridiculous load of wreckage I'm about to crumble under) out. The best way I can think of, which isn't saying much at the moment, is to lay it all out there, verbal vomit style.
Let the bitching commence!
Let's see, we're struggling financially. HA!!  We can't pay our bills, food stamps ended last month, Medicaid ends this month (for the Husband and I) which means there will probably be more medical debt getting added into the mix soon as my pacemaker is due for replacement in the near future. We're looking into bankruptcy to try to save us from certain doom.
My disability case is up to be scheduled with a judge but that could be anywhere from a month to eight from now. The last medical records that were sent in were said to be in my favor, but who the hell knows. (I told you about that huh?!)
The big kiddo has school issues all his own. He's been tested for both Special Education and Gifted/Talented (we find out the decisions on Oct. 10). He's had academic issues since Kindergarten and we've worked very very hard to help him be as successful as he's been but he needs more and I'm busting my butt to venture down every avenue to make sure we don't miss anything that might help him. He has severe ADHD and is almost as heavily medicated as I am but only because it works! There's a significant improvement with the medications. He has no learning disabilities. On the contrary, he tests Advanced or near Advanced in everything but writing. At the beginning of last year (4th grade) he was reading 156 words per minute and his comprehension matched it. He's incredibly intelligent but has other issues that we just haven't quite nailed down. A mild Asperger's is one thought we've had. He has no identified Sensory issues but I think there's something there. He also has anxiety, the poor sweet boy. My sweet loving boy is getting to be as big of a wreck as his crazy mama and he's only 10!
What else?!?
Oh yeah! My car died a couple weeks ago. Wooooooo! It's quite possibly an easy fix (I already replaced the fuel pump relay to no avail) but we just haven't the money for the cheap parts. So now instead of at least having four 20 year old doors and an actual back seat (even if littl'n had almost no leg room), we're stuck in an extended cab pick-up truck that's not in complete repair. The littl'n and her big car seat is in the passenger seat while the big kiddo sits in the little jump seats behind. That's also where my almost 6 foot 230lb. husband crams in anytime we have to go anywhere on the weekends because if I'm a passenger for very long I get car sick. Damn freakin' good thing that he just recently got a work van to commute with huh?!?!?!
I delved into the dismal world of my PTSD in the last post so we don't need to dig that dog up again...
I'm pretty sure there's more but my brain just isn't willing to cooperate any further.
I'm actually so stressed that I'm calm and barely even able to register it all. That's probably not good huh?? Eh. That's what meds are for!! Weeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!
Well, that's me out for the night. Until next time...

Thursday, September 19, 2013

It's been a while...

It's been a while, dear readers, since I've come to you with my wannabe witty repartee. So very many things have happened in life. Illness, death, decent into depression (again), growth, exciting opportunities, ongoing ethics investigations, you name it.

Between medication changes, medication toxicities (cardiologist's bad) and medication screw ups (my bad), my body is frickin exhausted! I'm still trying to recover from my med mess up a week ago. **Helpful hint for the day--Don't accidentally take your night time meds in the morning! NOT a good thing. Nor is it an easy thing to bounce back from...

Now on to a concise(ish) clue-in:

My sweet husband had to say goodbye to a longtime friend last month who died of a heart attack at the age of 36. I don't recall who said it but one of us or our friends very accurately stated, "We're too young to be having friends die of heart attacks."

PTSD has been rearing it's really fuckin' ugly head lately by letting me have the joy of an almost constant barrage of horrible memories. Yay! Many of them being memories that I had worked on, and successfully so until now, with 2 sessions of EMDR a couple years ago. I've tried one of the techniques I learned to try to help decrease these really crummy memories but I've yet to succeed.
The thoughts I've been so fortunate to be graced with again are some of the many from my rape in 2007. Thankfully, to date, I don't remember the actual action but I do remember everything that transpired once I woke up from the drug induced sleep. And hey, how lucky for me that I happened across the letter from the D.A.'s office telling me that they had dropped the case due to insufficient evidence just the other day. (They dropped the case about 2 years ago now but it was found while I searched for something else)
-If there's anyone that would like to talk on this subject, please feel free to email me at blatantbonnie@hotmail.com

We've struggled with our sweet little girl being sick time and again since March. Croup, Respiratory Infections, "Reactive Airway" which was finally just flat out called Asthma recently. Her providers agreed with us that our old nasty ass "crack shack" cat urine saturated apartment carpet was most likely a very large contributing factor and wrote a note stating such. Well, we prepared for a battle with management but didn't have one. They acquiesced, rather quickly as a matter of fact, and we have brand new carpet and padding in our apartment. The rejoicing was done in tears and never ending smiles. So far no new illness for the littl'n but it's only been a month. We're hoping for the best but still ready for what we've gotten used to which is lots of chest x-rays, steroids and breathing treatments.
And speaking of the little gorgeous one, we are thrilled to report that she is currently attending a Gifted Private School in their Pre-K class. She's in real school, not just some preschool. She has Spanish class twice a week, she's writing her name beautifully, and she seems to be a shining star in her wonderful teacher's eye. It's an absolute joy watching her in class. The learning environment is exceptional and absolutely a dream come true. This school fits our littl'n in every way. Who she is as a person and how she learns. It's more wonderful than I can express. :)
So Yay there!!

All the medical records have finally been completed and submitted to Social Security for my appeal. We were informed a month or so ago that my case is up to be scheduled with a judge so now it's just a waiting game... Oh the joy. The rapture. The exquisite bliss..... *barf*
I was told that the last questionnaires that were submitted by my therapist and Psychiatrist were favorable for me which is good but I'm still totally freaking out about the whole thing. 1st off, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GO TO COURT!!!!!! Holy frickin crap! And talk to a judge!! Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait to have this done and over with!

I'm still waiting to hear about the ethics investigation on the 1st lawyer I had for my disability case. Call me crazy (HA!) but I had an issue with them filing motions on my behalf without my knowledge or consent. It was helpful that they filed my appeal for me but after I had told them multiple times that I was terminating our 'relationship' and would file the appeal myself.... Yeah. Not amused. So I filed a complaint with the Office of Lawyers Professional Responsibility which turned into an investigation by the Ethics Investigator. And yet again...we're in a waiting game.

~Deep Breath~

There's soo much more but I'm thinkin' that oughta do it for now.
I'll let you recover from that disturbing discharge of data before I bombard you with the sickening surplus.
Damn! I love alliteration! ;)