Sunday, February 23, 2014

The road

This journey is a lonely one.
Mental illness, no matter how well concealed, is a very lonely battle.

I cannot help but contemplate this a great deal this evening. I have so very many things on my mind and yet I find myself without a soul within which to confide completely. Whether this is a self-imposed solitude or a natural by-product of the 'nature of the beast' I have yet to determine.
Whatever the cause, its effects are undeniable.

I feel so very very alone in this world. People in which I used to confide are beyond my reach, people who seem close now still remain at a distance. There are those that claim friendship but who have no wish to be weighed upon by the struggles of others. There are those that might be close were it not for the wall that I defend so well in the interest of not burdening them with troubles not their own.

Whatever the combination of factors, the seeming finality of 'truth' is unwavering.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Beaten and bashed

Here I am again.

This time, I'm a few weeks post the denial of my appeal for disability.

Yes, my appeal was denied. Not just denied, I was called a liar, as were my providers, and the judge went so far as to declare that I was not disabled as of the date of decision meaning I can never file a new claim. My only hope at this point is to appeal the appeal, which I am doing.
This judge wrote a 17 page decision wherein she essentially called me a liar stating frequent inconsistencies, a few false 'facts', the apparent ineptitude of multiple providers, the omission of my severe anxiety attack during the proceedings as well as the omission of records from 1 provider. (I need to double check the exhibit list to see if she's on there)

Needless to say, I feel completely invalidated, impotent and hopeless.
This decision has had such a significantly negative effect on me. So much so actually that a friend even went so far as to inquire about possible action against the judge, something like seeking pain and suffering. I don't know about pursuing that, if it's even possible, but I tell you, there are grounds for it...

My lawyer has asked me to formulate a letter making a point by point reference to all the issues but I have yet to be able to do that. I am having a very hard time with it. I was able to go through the 17 pages and highlight the issues but I can't seem to get past that step. This damned judge has me afraid of being too articulate. Of having too high a level of function. Since apparently, according to this judge, my ability to occasionally write on this blog clearly proves that I'm high functioning.
True story.
It was specifically mentioned in the decision.

As was my apparently, at some point, returning to school for nail design or something.
Yeah...the only thing I've ever done with nail polish is occasionally buy it and watch it flake off my nails within 24 hours. I haven't been to school in years!! For anything! Where the hell this info came from is beyond me but it managed to help make a case against me.
As did my ability to parent my children. Although the decision has sited several times that I'm able to do so completely on my own part of the time, which is soooo untrue. The only thing that I'm able to do completely on my own is be crazy and anxious and a wreck.
That's all me.

There were several other things within the extensive discrediting that I can't even wrap my brain around. Suffice it to say that it's successfully scarred and weakened me.

So there you have the update.
It's time for me to leave this topic for now...