Wednesday, October 30, 2013

I forgot this part...Really?!?

Addendum to previous post---

The information about this older kiddo from oh-so-many-moon ago has not been shared with my 2 kiddos. The Boy's dad and I are unsure whether or not he's in a place that he'd be able to grasp the concept or be able to adequately deal with it at this point. The Littl'n could definitely handle it, but as we don't want The Boy to hear about it from his 3 year old sister, we haven't mentioned it to her either.

There. Maybe that's what felt missing.
Or have I still not plugged all the holes?? You tell me!

A pretty big bullet...point

  So, after that last sharing session, the next bullet point seems to be my having a 16 year old that I haven't seen in 14 years.
Not that I think you need the specifics of the process, or at least I really really hope that you don't need them as you're out of luck in getting them from me, you know what I mean. I'm already doing 2 "talks" with 2 separate kids, I'm not sure I can handle having one with you too. ;)

  Well, pretty obviously, I got knocked up at the tender age of 16 from a less than ready for the world fellow 16er. We were in a relationship, but we were 16. And we each had more than our share of shit to deal with at that point already. I had my family dynamic to deal with and was desperate for a way out, he had his shitty family dynamic to deal with and needed stability and someone to love him. He was already into drugs by that point and I knew it. He was pretty good at hiding it for the most part but as it was what I was raised with, it certainly wasn't hidden from me. I went ahead and denied it to others tho. (I'll go into more detail about our relationship in a later post)

  As is common, we weren't using any form of birth control. We knew the stakes and we gambled anyway.

  When we finally got confirmation that I was indeed pregnant (I had taken 3 at home tests, 2 of which were negative and the other didn't develop properly), he immediately "needed a break". LOL! Like that one couldn't have been called a mile away! When I got the positive results at Planned Parenthood it came with some counseling. I had already decided what the necessary course of action was and was set in my determination. So him taking a break had zero effect on the outcome except to just add to the story. ;)
  As a matter of fact, over the years, short of real abuse, I've always won the "worst ex-boyfriend" contest.
After a week long break he told me one morning that "it just isn't working". LOL
That's an interesting observation. How keen and perceptive.
Needless to say, I wasn't surprised in the slightest and took it pretty smoothly. I let it roll off my back for a while before I got all hormoney and weepy about it. But hey, it was my 1st relationship and I was pregnant so..I mean really. I was allowed.
  Anyway, over the course of the pregnancy he himself started 4 separate rumors as to why it couldn't possibly be his kid. Yeah, he went with the deny it's mine tactic.
The 1st rumor was that it couldn't possibly be his kid because I cheated on him. Well that was just freakin physically impossible. I was with him 24 hours a damn day. I practically lived at his  place. There were nights that I wouldn't even go home. Some only to shower, get new clothes, and then leave again. Gimme a break!
The 2nd and 3rd stories I always mix up their order but they were, the baby couldn't possibly be his because of all the drugs he had taken-they made him sterile. Well unless he was shooting up into his scrotum, and I mean like wayyyy up, that one's really not a front runner for truth. The 3rd being that since he used to have his scrotum pierced (all genital piercings were removed before anything happened with me I'll tell you that!) the baby couldn't possibly be his because he was sterile from the piercings. Again, unless that needle took a significant detour, not-a-gonna-happen baby!
The 4th and final rumor, and the one that went in to the legal denial of paternity, was that the baby couldn't possibly be his because he was satanic and as part of his standard rituals, the high priestess shared with him a potion that just happened to have a side effect of sterility. And he knew this by getting his doctor to do a sperm count which was ZERO.

Alright, so that was that.
  In the meantime, I picked out an amazing couple to adopt this very loved baby growing inside of me, we met several times, and it was wonderful. Truly. I never had even 1 second's pause about the choice of these fabulous people to raise this baby that was going to be a blessing to the world.

  So fast forward 14ish years and I reconnect with the ex, that up until that point had ALWAYS been solely referred to as The Asshole. Many people never knew his real name. But I had come a long way in those 14ish years. I finally came to accept the fact that what happened between us happened so very long ago when we were very different people in a crazy difficult situation. We were both 16 and scared. But he, of course, had drugs fueling him whereas I did not. He made the only choices he could at that point in his life. I hold no grudges or ill feelings.  As a matter of fact, he and I are now quite good friends. We've been there for each other through some major life stuff in the past almost 2 years and it's been great.
Now. He has asked me for information regarding this offspring of ours. He also prefaced his request with the statement that he fully realizes that he has no right to any of this info since he signed away his rights, in more ways than one, years ago. But he has been curious these past years and wanted to know basics. Sex, birth date, name, whereabouts, etc...
After a bit of thought I told him the date of birth but that was it. He's not aware of whether or not I have contact with the family/kiddo. I don't feel that it's my place to tell him. It will be entirely up to the kiddo in question. He understood and was grateful for what I gave him. It was at least something to tie to this unknown he's had for all these years.

  So that kind of brings us to now where I have a 16 year old that is newly aware of my existence (I just found out from Dad) and has a desire, somewhere within them, to contact me. I'm blissful, I'm anxious, I'm honored. I also have some guilt because I also learned that the kiddo has been dealing with depression and anxiety for about 3 years. Yep. The grand genes that his father and I bestowed upon this kiddo.... :( But, Dad says that they have been working on those issues and this is where we all find ourselves at the moment.

  So yeah.
  A second little dish on my life and how it has unfolded and is continuing to do so.
I'm sure that I've left some pertinent points out but my brain is having a hard time digging them out at the moment.
Feel free to ask any questions to fill in any blanks you think need filling. :) I'm always down to dish.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

A hankerin' ?

So I've had this kind of itch to tell you a little bit more about me. Specifically about my past and my life as it has come to be. I'm not sure why but it's been hanging around my noggin. So I think I just might actually oblige, for those of you that may be interested in some of 'the back story'.

  I've thrown a few in the past when having to try to find a word that describes my childhood or rather a description of how it progressed such as; I was raised, I was brought up, or I grew up, etc... I was certainly not raised by anyone but myself. I did not have steady guardians nor were the unsteady ones of continual use.
I am an only child, only not. I have a most wonderful older half sister, by 5 years, that was adopted out to a very stable loving family when she was born. I met her just a few short months before our mother died back in 2007. Here comes the point when someone usually praises my mother for the smart and loving choice she made when she was oh so young. No. She had absolutely no choice in the matter. Not her decision.
Anywho. Then along comes me. I'm worth holding on to and torturing apparently. Just under a year later comes a little brother. I haven't the foggiest idea as to whether or not he's a half or full sibling. He was also adopted out when he was born. Hopefully to a similarly wonderful family as was graced with my sister.
And still, I remained.
Stuck with 2 drug and alcohol dependent parents that couldn't even stay together. They showed, at every imaginable turn, that they were completely incapable of making good decisions for themselves much less an infant in their care.
And still, I remained.
I was shuttled off to fully functioning, yet undeniably alcoholic, grandparents and an aunt/uncle/cousin at a consistently random rate. This predictable pattern of getting bounced around 'tween the fam continued until I was 10 when I was forced to choose, in front of everybody, whom I wanted to live with; my mom and the newest stepdad or the aunt/uncle/cousin grouping.
Yes indeed. 2 sets of alcoholic parents were actually physically fighting in front of me over who got to 'take' me. My mother against her older sister (that practically raised her). Forcing a 10 year old child to pick between stability and uncertainty. Between her mother, that she's "supposed" to live with, love, want to be with, and the aunt who could provide her with any and all necessities, love her, and actually acted like she wanted her around.
Like most kids would in that situation, I picked my mother even though it's not what I wanted. A kid is "supposed" to live with their parents, not their aunt and uncle (or their grandparents as had been the case several times). A kid is "supposed" to love their mom and want to be with them, want to be like them. Well, not this kid. I had learned from a very very early age that everything I saw from my mother was what NOT to do. I had learned to take care of myself from very very early on. So much so that I had had to learn how to take care of and deal with my parent.
A preschooler is NOT supposed to understand that you don't touch the little cut up straws and mirrors on the table. The scales and baggies on the shelf aren't to be played with. That you don't ask if mom's alright when you hear noises coming from the back room of a 'friend's' place. But me? I knew those things. I remember knowing those things. I can't tell you what state I lived in while in any given grade in elementary school, but I can tell you those other things.
Looking back now, while I only spent a little less than a third of my life getting tossed around to whomever would take me for whatever effing reason my mother couldn't, or didn't want to, be a mother, it has still played one of the biggest parts.
Maybe one of the hardest things is that I will NEVER get any answers to any of the bazillions of questions I could possibly ask. My mother (cancer), all 4 grandparents (cancer), 2 step grandparents (cancer too I believe), father (suicide 4 days before my 11th b-day), and 1 stepfather (ruptured ulcers as I was told), are all dead. My aunt and I no longer have a relationship other than that shared by blood. And that was an easy choice on my part. I was told a few years ago that she had stage 4 lung cancer but to my knowledge she is still alive and full of alcohol and attitude.

  So those were my humble beginnings. That's a nutshell of my Back Story. There are innumerable events within but that's the Cliff's Notes version that might give you just a little inkling into my wretched start and progression on this crazy crazy spinning ball of ours.
If you ever wonder how one gets a diagnosis list that reads like mine....there ya go.
  Consider yourself schooled in Crazy 101.

A little catch up..

  As mentioned in my oh so poetic post from the other day (it'd be great if you could just insert a ridiculous eye roll here), I have been fortunate enough to play the infamous (and kinda actually famous) Bipolar medication switcheroo.
  Party over here. Woo woo. Party over here. (I'm sure you read that as completely uninterested and monotone as possible, for which case...Great job!)

  My fabulous Shrinkydink -that's my new name for my awesome Psychiatrist, came to the life altering realization on this past Wednesday that I'm "one of those bipolars that can't be on antidepressants 'cuz they have the opposite effect".
  Well holy frickin' hell! What a novel concept!
  Now, I say this genuinely because it actually hadn't occured to me that the antidepressants were exacerbating my depression as opposed to just not helping it.

  So yeah. Now, I'm totally down for this with the exception that one of those damned anti-d's was also my sleep med. Crapdoodle! Now what.
I've dumped the trazodone and the Cymbalta (which I'm still having withdrawals from) and we subbed Zyprexa at 10mg. So now it's just my clonazepam and zyprexa. 2 pills. That's it. And both at bedtime which is really weird for me. Every morning I feel like I'm missing a step 'cuz I don't have any meds to take. Not that I'm complaining mind you, it's just taking some adjusting to.
  And oh yeah, I don't have anything for sleep. And it's blazingly freaking obvious.
  On another note, she agreed with me that I've been cinched tight in a mixed state for quite a while now.
My First!!! Go Me!!!
Oh, and she also agreed with me on my "Responsible Noncompliance". She agreed with my logic and rationale that the lithium was doing nothing. She actually agreed with me so much as to say that she was either (I can't remember which) disappointed or surprised that I hadn't stopped the Cymbalta too.
I responded that I was just trying to give that higher dose a fair chance to which she said "..well, ok. Fair enough."
Talk about trust huh?!
See why I love my fabulous Shrinkydink???

That's a little catch up on me. And for those of you that missed reading between the lines,

Yeah, I'd say that covers it.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

My inner poet reeks, er, I mean eeks out...

  The night comes swiftly even as the light never dawned
Darkness is not quiet through the light
The end is visible though the birth not so long past

An original from yours truly that just seeped its short path through my brain.
And believe it or not, a second followed...

  So nearly painful and affronting, the reverberation felt from the faint fluttering of an eyelash or the grand gesture to stand upright
The sharp pang of an unsaid thought to the quiet yet somehow cacophonous jolt of a breath


  The latter being an attempt to express my torture throughout my current, prescribed, drug withdrawal.
Any thoughts or comments?

Monday, October 21, 2013

A Quote to Share...

                Encompass'd with a thousand dangers,
Weary, faint, trembling with a thousand terrors... a fleshly tomb, am
     Buried above ground.

                 -William Cowper
                     (1731-1800) English poet that wrote the self described "lines written during a period
                       of insanity" after one of his suicide attempts.

This speaks volumes to me....and for me, right now.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Responsibly Noncompliant

This is a real thing, I swear!
Well, in my world it is.

  This is my newest label and the fact that it's self imposed is neither here nor there. Please don't bother yourself with that at this time. I'm not.

  So I've dubbed myself Responsibly Noncompliant because I've stopped my lithium. Without doctor consult, much less consent.
  But here's my reasoning.

I am on 2 antidepressants and I'm still depressed. I don't see the point in taking a mood stabilizer that is designed to keep me from going manic when I'm clearly not even close to that end of the scale. Then of course, there's the fact that the last time my lithium level was drawn I was at the very bottom of the therapeutic range which means it may well have not been doing anything at all even if I HAD needed it. So, I'm minus 3 pills every night for now. If there's a change in behavior then I'll reevaluate. I'm aware. I'm being responsible about my irresponsibility. My husband is aware of my actions and understands my point. He is standing by me in my choice and is also maintaining an awareness regarding my moods and behaviors.

I got the staff to slip me in with my Psychiatrist next Wednesday where I will, of course, disclose to her my noncompliance. I will also be discussing with her her thoughts on ECT and ECT for me.

So...that's me.
Not following usual!

Thursday, October 10, 2013

No Mummies Here...

Ok, so as bat shit crazy as I am, I'm feeling a bit better about myself at the moment.
  I picked up another armful of books at the library the other day. Amongst the mass was The Mummy at the Dining Room Table  Eminent Therapists Reveal Their Most Unusual Cases by Jeffrey A. Kottler & Jon Carlson.
  The 1st 'chapter' had me cracking up. I mean, with a title like The Man Who Wanted His Nose Cut Off ...come on!
  So, anyway. If you have any interest in psychology or the human condition (given the fact that you're reading this, that's a bit needless to mention), definitely give this book a good going through. I am about to start 'chapter' 5. I started a couple hours ago and can't put it down.
If nothing else, it sure will make you feel better about being you!

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Is this moderate or 'write a new text book'?

There's all of this...shit! in my head and I have no idea what to do with it. Not much of it seems to make a whole lot of sense, particularly when considered together.

  One of the big floaters in my brain recently is my total inclination to stop my Lithium and see what happens. I feel like it's not doing anything. I mean, I know it's a mood stabilizer so it's not a true antidepressant, but given the antidepressants I'm on and I'm still depressed, I don't think we're really in need of a mood stabilizer. Why should I take 3 more damn pills (that leave a nasty taste) than I have to? I figure, stop everything and then treat what comes up...
  Which brings me to another point. What is it that's going on anyway? Is this Bipolar? Is this BPD? Is this Major Depressive Disorder?
  What the hell kind of crazy am I?
  I understand that I'm crazy. I'm good with that. Truly. I just want to know what kind of crazy so that we can deal with it better. Cuz the way we're dealing with things now definitely isn't working!! So, to me, it's a natural and reasonable conclusion to draw that we're not dealing with the right things.
 As I mentioned in a previous post, I am incredibly interested in pursuing ECT. I've done quite a bit of research (books, articles, studies, discussions with nurses, etc...) and everything that I have found proves that I'm a good candidate. I have found a local hospital that does it and they work closely with the patient's Psychiatrist for continuity of care which is great. Now, all that remains is to talk to my Psychiatrist. My next appointment, the soonest she had (and they still slipped me in), isn't until Oct. 23rd. It feels like a lifetime away at this point. A lifetime stuck in this....gray. This confusion. This land of unknown. This painless pain.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013



I hate this. I hate this. I'm so damn confused. Nothing seems right. I don't know what I'm doing. What am I doing?


Monday, October 7, 2013

Some Reading Materials

And now I bring to you a book list.
One or two that I've read, one or two that I'm currently navigating, and a couple that I am going to be cracking soon.
You may get a common theme. Let's get started.

  I recently made my way through Carrie Fisher's Wishful Drinking. Talk about a crack up. It was brief, mildly informative, and laugh out loud funny. Not to mention you get that reality-tv-kind-of-hollywood-dish entertainment. It was her 1st memoir (she came out with a 2nd in 2011 that I will be getting from the library called Shockaholic).
  I am currently, although very slowly, reading Dan Millman's Way of The Peaceful Warrior. It has been hard for me to focus lately but so far I am absolutely enjoying it. The husband has read it and loved it.
  I am also, somewhat begrudgingly, getting through Linda Andre's Doctors of Deception   What They Don't Want You To Know About Shock Treatment. I was hoping this book would be more informative. Instead, it's just an angry bitter woman being as negative as possible and using other people's negative experiences and past research to slam ECT. If you're looking for a resource to talk yourself or someone else out of ECT, this is the book for you!
  The Body Remembers Casebook by Babette Rothschild is also one that I am trying to read/skim/glean information from at a very slow pace. This one was a recommendation from a former therapist. It's designed more for practitioners but she knew it would be appropriate for me. This volume is about treatments for PTSD and trauma.
  I have made it about 1/2 way through, although certainly not any time recently, a book I highly recommend called I Hate You-Don't Leave Me   Understanding The Borderline Personality by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD, and Hal Strauss. This was originally published in 1989 and was so phenomenally written that it went through an update and revision in 2010. It is still a prominent resource for clinicians and highly popular with patients. It was written so that the clinician, the patient and the friend/family could all successfully learn from it. It's incredibly interesting even if you or someone you know doesn't have BPD. It'll have you looking at people in a new light.
  Speaking of Dr. Kreisman and Mr. Strauss, I have, but have not yet delved into another of theirs by the name of Sometimes I Act Crazy   Living With Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm interested to see what this one will offer additionally.
  My recent library trip also yielded The Tapping Cure by Roberta Temes, PhD. This is a technique that a former therapist taught me that seemed to help me for a while. The same therapist that recommended The Body Remembers Casebook that I was seeing prior to my breakdown last year. No, I have no idea what that has anything to do with squat, but out of my wacked out brain it came. Just for you! Woo hoo!
Moving on...
  The library also sent me home with (like a teacher with homework or something) Living With Someone Who's Living With Bipolar Disorder by Chelsea Lowe and Bruce M. Cohen, MD, PhD. Husband says it's good so far. He's read through chapter 2 but has also skipped to a couple of specific sections, 1 on ECT.
  I have 2 books that just came in to the library that are waiting for pick up. One is Shock: The Healing Power of Electroconvulsive Therapy by Kitty Dukakis and Larry Tye. I'm looking forward to this one being educational and informative. The other is Night Falls Fast   Understanding Suicide by Kay Redfield Jamison. She also wrote one of the books that actually changed my life, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods And Madness. She is a leading resource on Bipolar being a clinical psychologist that has suffered with it for years.

So there you go. Some great reads on the subject of the shit that can go funk'd in our brains, and certainly has mine, and how to deal with it.

There is no "good day" in battle

So I was recently reading a blog I newly discovered and came across a good post entitled "I'm Too Tired to Keep Fighting Bipolar Disorder".
Boy if that isn't the understatement of the year?!
One of the primary things that stood out for me was a line in one of the comments that read (something incredibly close to); they think when I have a good day that it's all over and I'm fine.
That's something I battle with every day. I am fortunate enough to have the opportunity to be in a situation or two, most days, that at least gives the impression of "a good day" or of some improvement at all. It however, is merely that. An impression of something better. I don't have good days anymore. I haven't had a good day in a long time. I get good times. Brief periods, nothing that lasts more than a couple of hours at most. And then it's back to the same feelings of lifelessness, frustration, unhappiness, sadness, constant fatigue, anxiety, feeling like my brain has disconnected because I can't put 3 coherent words together. Then of course there's the irritability. That one is probably my husband's favorite! The poor poor sweet loving man that gets 99% of my wrath from the unpredictable fount of pain and anger.
And still he remains... <3
Not that I'm not grateful for every good second I have. I absolutely am. Every one. But when you get to enjoy yourself and then the very next moment can feel like you'd rather not live, it gets pretty damned difficult to let it truly absorb and have any kind of effect. You may or may not understand that, but it's true. The minute to minute battle wears you right the fuck out. There's just no other way to put it.
So there's my little inside nugget for ya...for whatever it's worth.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Phone calls

Hey, hi, and crazy goes it.

So I made a couple of phone calls Tuesday. One to my Psychiatrist to talk about ECT (I had to leave a message of course) and the other to talk to a bankruptcy lawyer. The lawyer and I have been playing phone tag for a few weeks now. I didn't actually expect her to answer so when she did, my already present anxiety shot through the roof.
You'd think I'd actually be prepared to talk to a person when I make a phone call huh?!
Yeah...that would be too easy.
So this lawyer, that I get a good feeling from, said that we're very good candidates for Chapter 7 bankruptcy. And from what she says, it'll better our credit, especially the hubby's, almost immediately. Granted, there will still be a bankruptcy on there, but the debt to income ratio will be better. So that's good.
Course, since it's me, I have to make it difficult. I know it's a good idea and will be beneficial as we have a bunch of medical debt that we're unable to pay (yes, it's all mine). But I also know that we're going to be incurring more in the not so distant future. My pacemaker is 8 years old and due for a replacement more than likely within the next 6 months. Maybe 8. As well as the costs of the not-so-cheap ECT if it turns out I'm a candidate for it. So yeah, it'll help us out 6 months from now (when we finish paying the lawyer's fee) but then where are we at afterward and we're still accruing more debt?
I don't know.
Yeah, yeah, I know. Don't worry about things that haven't even happened yet. Don't stress out over the future. Don't invite more pain/stress/anxiety into your life than is already present.
I know all that stuff.
I still have to think about the future though. I have to have these things in mind when making major life changing decisions. We have kids effected here...
Those were my fun and exciting, oh-my-god-I-have-to-take-a-pill-cuz-I'm-freaking-out, events on Tuesday.
What'd you do last Tuesday??  ;)