Monday, October 7, 2013

There is no "good day" in battle

So I was recently reading a blog I newly discovered and came across a good post entitled "I'm Too Tired to Keep Fighting Bipolar Disorder".
Boy if that isn't the understatement of the year?!
One of the primary things that stood out for me was a line in one of the comments that read (something incredibly close to); they think when I have a good day that it's all over and I'm fine.
That's something I battle with every day. I am fortunate enough to have the opportunity to be in a situation or two, most days, that at least gives the impression of "a good day" or of some improvement at all. It however, is merely that. An impression of something better. I don't have good days anymore. I haven't had a good day in a long time. I get good times. Brief periods, nothing that lasts more than a couple of hours at most. And then it's back to the same feelings of lifelessness, frustration, unhappiness, sadness, constant fatigue, anxiety, feeling like my brain has disconnected because I can't put 3 coherent words together. Then of course there's the irritability. That one is probably my husband's favorite! The poor poor sweet loving man that gets 99% of my wrath from the unpredictable fount of pain and anger.
And still he remains... <3
Not that I'm not grateful for every good second I have. I absolutely am. Every one. But when you get to enjoy yourself and then the very next moment can feel like you'd rather not live, it gets pretty damned difficult to let it truly absorb and have any kind of effect. You may or may not understand that, but it's true. The minute to minute battle wears you right the fuck out. There's just no other way to put it.
So there's my little inside nugget for ya...for whatever it's worth.

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